


A Million Little Things

by Egypt18015



Category: Backstreet Boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:42:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 39,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24092278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Egypt18015/pseuds/Egypt18015
Summary: During their unexpected hiatus, Kevin decides to reconnect with the boys on a camping trip. Healing old wounds, sharing old stories and just spending time as brothers
Kudos: 2





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> I wrote this one in 2008. It’s a dramedy and is 15 chapters long. Enjoy!

**The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart. ~Elisabeth Foley**

**~ 1 ~**

**_The Backstreet Kevin_**

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” 

Kevin shook his head a few times but then smiled, “Yes Nick…for the ten thousandth time, I think this is a good idea.” 

“Because we haven’t done this in a long time…I mean a really long time…in fact, have we ever done this?” 

Kevin pulled his backpack up on his shoulder, “I don’t think so, not just the two of us anyway.”

“Have we ever done it as a group?” 

“You are supposed to have the better memory Nick, not me.”

“Well Kevin, my memory is sucking lately.” 

“I can tell.” He said as he reached over and pat his younger friend on the back. It was a very last minute decision, to go on a camping trip. Since Kristin had the baby, he never let his new family too far out of his reach. One would think that would be a good thing but supposedly it was Kristin who was yearning for some free time with just the baby. 

Kevin smiled to himself; the Backstreet Kevin would have not taken that well at all. If Backstreet Kevin was told to go play in the woods with some of his friends, he would have just about had ten cows after thinking his wife was trying to get rid of him so she could have her lover come over or something even worse than that. Backstreet Kevin was a real asshole sometimes. 

Being out of the limelight was probably the best thing he ever did for himself. It felt like a huge weight being lifted off of his shoulders. Not to imply that Backstreet was nothing but a huge weight, but the fame part of it was too much. He was scared that he had made the wrong decision at first. Maybe it was too impulsive and later when he’d end up doing regional theater in the tenth revival of Chicago; he’d look back on the days when he had it all and feel a huge sense of regret. Luckily, the regret hasn’t come, only the satisfaction of feeling free to do whatever he wants. 

He was very naive, thinking the fans would be sad but would quickly get over it and understand why he had to leave. He was wrong about that. At first it stung like a bee. Hearing how outraged the fans were. How downright hateful they were about his departure. They really resented him for everything and even went so far as to blame him if the new album flopped. 

Kristin told him it would probably not be a good idea to watch or listen to any of the interviews for the first few months. She said that even though the guys understood why he left, there was certain to be hurt feelings. Of course he didn’t listen to her and watched as interview after interview the guys said the same thing over and over again. He had to smile when he saw it was Howie who was left with the task. 

“Kevin wanted to start a family and the door was always open…” And on and on it went. 

That’s how it started out anyhow. Things began to change when they split up for interviews. 

The way Brian’s body language shifted when they brought Kevin’s name up coupled with some of the things he said about going for a younger sound now and how they all were more agreeable without Kevin, and the direction was geared to a younger audience and not for adult contemporary… all that stuff made it seem like he was the one holding them back. 

The first time he heard that he actually called Brian and they had a mini blow out over the phone. It was a ridiculous argument and in the end they both apologized to each other. That’s when Kristin walked up behind him, kissed him tenderly on the neck and whispered an “I told you so.” 

He decided it was best to maybe not watch or listen to any more interviews. 

“So, where is this place anyway?” Nick asked Kevin as he took out a compass and held it out to the sun. 

“Do you even know how to use that thing?” Kevin asked, deciding to take a small break by sitting on a boulder and pulling out a water bottle from the cooler Nick was carrying. 

Nick continued to hold the compass up to the air but he also licked his finger and held that up too. Kevin laughed at that, no was the answer. The boy had no clue what he was doing. 

“Sure I do, can’t you tell? You know back when I was a kid, I used to be a Boy Scout.” 

“Really?”

“Uh, yeah sure. It was fun we used to toast marshmallows and sell cookies.”

“Nick, that’s the Girl Scouts who sell cookies.”

“Why is that you think?” Nick looked around for a boulder of his own and let out a sigh when there was none to be found. He grabbed his backpack which was as big as a house it seemed and sat on that instead. Pulling a bottle of water out of the cooler for himself, he continued with his odd thoughts, “I mean the Boy Scouts could sell cookies too. Do they sell anything?” 

“I don’t know, you tell me, you were the Boy Scout supposedly.” 

“I was?” Nick had that priceless, baffled look on his face that usually made Kevin want to slap him, but that was the Backstreet Kevin, this one only laughed. 

“Wow, you weren’t kidding when you said your memory sucks, huh?” 

The blonde scratched his head and swatted one of those invisible mosquitoes away, “No I didn’t.” He answered, seeming amused. 

“Too bad they didn’t give out badges to kids with the worst memories on the planet, because you my friend, would own that one!” 

“They might have, but if they did I don’t remember!” 

Kevin laughed and shook his head, “My dad was never a big fan of the Boy Scouts.” 

Nick had a look of surprise on his face, “That’s weird. I would think all you Richardson boys were leaders of the pack and held the highest Boy Scout rank. Like Grand Pooh pah or something.”

“Eagle Scout I believe. Grand Pooh pah was a Flintstones thing.”

“I was close, they both would have happened around the same time!” 

Kevin took his water and flung some at Nick, smirking when it hit him square in the face, “Very nice smart ass.” 

“It just comes natural Kevin, like a gift from the Gods.”

“Too bad the Gods weren’t handing out more useful gifts like how to read a compass.”

“I could do a chant to the Gods if you’d like but that would involve stripping and lot’s of naked dancing.”

Kevin laughed, he really missed Nick a lot, but he would never openly admit that. “No, that’s okay; let’s pass on that one for now. Besides, I know exactly where we are.”

“Really?” Nick asked raising his eyebrow at his friend as he took another swig of his water. 

That’s when Kevin pointed to the huge sign that seemed to be hanging right over Nick’s head. In big bold letters it read **Campground** with an arrow. Of course when Nick saw this he spit out his water and giggled like a ten year old. Kevin always loved Nick’s laugh. Even when he was so mad at the kid he wanted to string him up, that laugh was just so infectious he couldn’t help but smile. It’s that laugh that saved Nick’s ass more than once when Kevin was concerned. 

“Well, should we continue on?” Nick asked as he stood up and stretched. “Shit! 3 miles!!! Kevin that’s hella long!” He added when he read the rest of the sign. 

“Three miles is nothing. When you dance and run around the stage it’s the equivalent of almost doing a marathon every night.”

Nick semi nodded, “Yeah, okay but I’m on vacation.”

“Would you like me to carry you piggy back? Wait! Don’t answer that question.” It was Kevin’s turn to stand up and when he did his knees cracked so loudly it had the blond giggling again. “Shut up, you’ll be this old one day soon too.” 

“I don’t know about soon, but if it makes you feel better, my joints crack all the time.”

“You would think I’d feel better about that but sadly, I don’t.” 

“Well thank you Kevin, see? I knew there was a reason I still wanted to hang out with you.” 

Kevin nodded at his friend as they continued down the rocky path towards the campground. It was funny that it was Nick’s name that came out of his mouth first when Kris told him he should go camping with friends. She seemed a little surprised. Not so much that it was Nick he mentioned, but more so the speed at which he mentioned it. The second it was out of her mouth, it took him only a few minutes before saying, “I wonder if Nick is free.” 

Out of all of the guys it was Nick he felt the most disconnected to these days. He knew it was Nick who was going to take his leaving the group the hardest and he was right. While all the other guys shook his hand and at least pretended to understand, Nick didn’t even approach him. He just walked right out of the room and went to go play basketball. At first he was going to follow him but in the long run, he decided to give the guy some space. 

Months after he officially left the group, all the guys had at least called him once, but not Nick and as much as Kevin wanted to call him up, he decided to play stubborn. Then came the reality show to which Brian had called his cousin, concerned about the youngest member’s decision to do a show on E! 

“No good will come of this Kevin, you need to talk to him.” Brian had pleaded. 

“I haven’t said one word to him since I left the group; you think he’s going to listen to me?” 

“Your opinion matters to him, more than you will ever know.” Brian had answered honestly. 

Kevin thought about making that call over and over again but decided against it. As much as he wanted to step in, he felt like it was no longer his place. Not that it ever should have been his place to begin with. 

The show aired, Kevin was horrified and worried and that sparked a call finally to his little brother in the group. At first the conversation was very uncomfortable with long silences in-between words. For his part, Kevin chose his words very carefully, not even bringing up the actual show at all, just a nice, quick it’s been a long time man, how are you doing? 

He was hoping that Nick would mention the show but he never did. They talked for about fifteen minutes and it went so poorly and felt so strained, Kevin actually got teary eyed when he hung up. All those years together, so close it was almost too close seemed to mean nothing to the kid anymore. 

Kevin didn’t give up, he called Nick at least once a month, just to say hello and check up on him. Sometimes they talked and sometimes they didn’t. Gradually the conversations started to grow longer and more relaxed and by the time the new album came out, things seemed to be good. 

When Kristin became pregnant, their relationship took a few steps backward. They didn’t speak for almost the entire time of Kris’s pregnancy and when Mason was born, all the boys called him, except for Nick. It hurt his feelings, but he also realized that’s the way the boy was. He knew that Nick cared but when it came to anything family oriented, whether it was weddings, funerals or births, Nick made it a point to distance himself from it all. Family hurt too much. 

Eventually, Nick did call to see how the baby was and if being a daddy had changed the anal ness that was Kevin as he so eloquently put it. Shortly after the call, there was a brief visit and that felt good. Nick kind of squirmed around the baby, much the same way he did around a very young Baylee. Once he held the baby in his arms though, that familiar smile came back as he tickled the baby under the chin and made cooing noises at him. 

They didn’t see each other again until Howie’s wedding, Nick not even showing up until the reception. There was so much going on; there wasn’t time to really have a great conversation. He didn’t like how distant the blond seemed during the festivities. He looked a lot like the old Nick. The one what was always so troubled about everything. He slipped out of the reception early and unnoticed and that was the last time Kevin had seen him until now. 

He was hesitant to call Nick at first but he knew with this unforeseen break in their schedule, most likely he’d have some free time. There was a lot of stammering on the phone before Kevin came out and asked him about this camping trip. Nick said yes within a few beats of the question. Seems like they were both eager to reconnect.

“What are you thinking about?” Kevin looked up at his friend who was squinting from the bright sun. 

“Huh?”

“You looked like you were in deep thought.”

“According to you, I always look like that.” 

“No Kevin. According to me you always look like you are constipated although I have to say so far I haven’t seen much of that.” 

“That’s because I shit before I picked you up.” Hearing the word Shit made Nick giggle. 

“Seriously is everything okay?” Nick asked with a serious tone. 

“I was just thinking about Howie’s wedding.” Kevin answered, “I hope he’s doing okay.” 

Nick nodded and put his head down. The reason for this unforeseen vacation wasn’t a good one. Howie’s dad was gravely ill and most likely wouldn’t survive. That was one phone call Kevin wished he never had to endure again. Hearing one of his best friends, the usual stoic and unrestrained Howie, break down on the phone as he explained his father’s grim condition. They soon would have something else in common and that was one thing he wouldn’t wish on his worst enemy, a father who has succumbed to cancer. 

“I hope so too.” Nick responded softly. 

“Maybe we’ll give him a call when we reach the campgrounds.” 

“That’s a good idea, although I think he just wants to be left alone.” 

“You’d be surprised kiddo. When things like this happen the more people that reach out to you the better, I mean isn’t that how it is for you?” 

Nick shrugged, “I don’t know, I generally don’t have anyone reach out to me all that often.” 

Kevin let out a sigh, “Maybe they do reach out, but you won’t let them in.” 

“I let plenty of people in Kevin, too many actually.” The defensive tone Nick used was a barometer to Kevin. He clicked this topic off as just another thing they’d have to talk about while on this trip. For now though, he’d leave it alone. 

“Howie would love to hear from us Nick. Sometimes it’s just nice to hear from someone outside of the drama as a nice breath of fresh air.” 

“I agree, let’s call him when we get there…if we get there.”

Kevin laughed, “We’ll make it little man, no worries.”

“You know AJ is going to bitch and moan about the three mile hike.” 

“I know.” 

Shortly after he and Nick planned out this trip on a whim, Kevin had the idea to invite AJ and Brian along too. It had been such a long time since he had seen all of the guys outside of a formal event. He was afraid the news would disappoint Nick, but he actually seemed eager for that to happen as well. His only request was at least a day or two of alone time with his big brother Kev. Once again when he got off the phone, he was all teary eyed, “I’m not sure what it is about that boy that makes the wussy you come out honey,” Kristin had joked, “but I do miss that from time to time.” 

AJ and Brian both said they’d love to come along, of course Brian wanted it to be a whole family affair. When Kevin explained it was just a ‘boys’ only thing, he didn’t seem as open to the idea but still he agreed to come for two days. 

So it would be Nick and Kevin for two days and then Brian and AJ would soon follow to join for the remaining two days. That meant four days of reconnecting with his old band mates, the people who he spent 24/7 with for twelve years of his life. Four days should feel like nothing after all they had been through, at least that was what Kevin was hoping for. 

“Is that piggyback still up for grabs?” Nick asked as they came to the start of a huge hill. 

“Nope, but if you want I’ll take the cooler.” Kevin answered as he grabbed the cooler out of his friend’s hands and started the long walk up the steep hill. 

“How about I sit on the cooler and you can take us both?” Nick suggested.

Kevin just shook his head and laughed. 


	2. Chapter 2

**A good friend is cheaper than therapy. ~Author Unknown**

**~ 2 ~**

_**The Odd Man Out**_

By the time they got to the campsite, Nick was pretty tired. Sure, he was in much better shape than he used to be. One year ago, he most likely would have stopped halfway there and whined until someone met him with a golf cart or wheel barrel to take him the rest of the way up. He found himself not getting as winded and even managed to keep pace with Kevin as they made their way to the camp. The thing that killed him was that most of the hike was uphill. 

“Whoever came up with the design of this place was an idiot.” He said as he plopped down on the grass. 

Kevin looked over at Nick, “Why do you say that?” 

“Because everyone is lugging stuff to this place, you’d think they wouldn’t make it so hard to get to.” 

“Nick, it wasn’t that bad.” 

“Yeah it was. That whole hike was uphill!”

“It’s just part of the fun of camping.” Kevin said as he unrolled the tent they would be sleeping in this trip. 

“You would think that was fun.” Nick said as he rolled his eyes and grabbed more water from the cooler. At this rate he’d drink them all before Brian and AJ got there. 

“Why don’t you come over and help me get this tent up.” 

Nick laughed. How many times he had secretly dreamed for this moment. As corny as it sounded, one of the things he always wanted to do was to go on a camping trip with Kevin. The way the oldest member in his group used to tell stories about camping with his father and brothers would make Nick so jealous. Of course as a child, the other thing that added to that jealousy was knowing that Brian had gone with him on more than one occasion. All he ever wanted was to be a part of that family. Sure, he loved his own family more than life itself but it wasn’t until he saw the other guys with their families, that he realized how different his was. 

When he was about fifteen years old, he actually asked Jerald if he could tag along on one of the Richardson/Littrell vacations. He was afraid to ask Kevin but knew maybe he’d have a shot at it if he asked someone else. Of course he was given the run around and told no. Back then he didn’t understand the difference between family time and band time. In his mind he was Brian and Kevin’s little brother and he couldn’t understand why on earth they didn’t want to be around him all the time. It killed him, devastated him to the point that he actually considered quitting the band. Especially when he overheard that it was Kevin that didn’t want him to go. 

Looking back on it in retrospect, he got why they wouldn’t want him there. It would have turned into another babysitting gig for them, especially Brian who he wouldn’t leave alone the entire time they would be together. Even now as an adult, he still had a hard time separating the band from family. Because he had known these people for more than half of his life, they were his family. That’s why when Kevin called him out of the blue and asked him to go camping Nick almost squealed with delight. He couldn’t believe it, after all this time he was finally getting to go on that vacation. 

It didn’t take the two men very long to get the tent up. Nick watched in awe as Kevin got everything together like an old pro. Within twenty minutes, their new home for the next four days was set up just the way Kevin wanted it, complete with fire. 

“When was the last time you went camping Kevin?” 

Kevin put the stick he was playing with down for a second and contemplated his answer. Nick couldn’t help but smile at that action. Everything his friend did was so calculated and had so much thought put into it. Kevin couldn’t ever just answer a simple question like this one, he had to marinate in it first. 

“You mean with a tent and all?” 

Nick nodded as Kevin continued, “I’d say it’s been about 5 years or so. I mean I’ve been camping a lot of times since then but not in a tent. The last time I put this tent up it was when I went camping for a weekend with my brothers, during one of our breaks.” 

“I have always wanted to go camping with you and your brothers.” Nick admitted, now copying Kevin’s movements by grabbing a stick of his own. 

“I know, I remember.” 

“You do?”

“Yeah, I remember one time you conveniently tried to invite yourself on one of our trips when you were just a kid.”

“Oh my God, I can’t believe you remember that!” Nick was so surprised that Kevin brought that up, he actually dropped his stick.

“Of course I do, it caused a lot of drama in my household.”

“It did?” 

“My mother tore me a new asshole when Jerald told her about it. She made me feel so guilty that it’s all I thought about the entire trip. My vacation was ruined.”

“I’m sorry.” Nick lied, he wasn’t sorry at all. In fact it gave him great pleasure to know Kevin had gotten into trouble. 

“Don’t be, she was right. When I saw the look of disappointment on your face I felt like an ass.” 

Now Nick found himself feeling bad. “I was just a dumb kid Kevin.”

“I know, but still. I shouldn’t have made you feel that way.” He said as he once again grabbed his stick and poked it into his newly made fire. “It’s just that, we so seldom got a chance to spend time with our families you know, and you were such a hyper kid back then…” 

“I know Kev…I mean back then I didn’t, but now I do.”

“Back then I should have known better, not you.” This conversation was kind of shocking Nick. During their time together in the band there were quite a few occasions when an apology should have been said and yet never uttered. Of course it worked both ways but one of the perks of being so young when they first started was the so called lack of maturity when it came to things like admitting you were wrong. Unfortunately for Kevin, he was mature enough to know such things and often got into trouble for them. That never prevented him from sticking to his guns and refusing to apologize when he said or did something to upset a very young Nickolas. 

“Back then we all said and did things we shouldn’t have.” Nick admitted honestly. 

Kevin nodded and smiled at his friend. “Well, I’m sorry for it just the same.” 

“Apology accepted.” Nick reached over and placed his hand on Kevin’s shoulder, “And I’m sorry for always being a huge pain in everyone’s ass, because believe me, I get it now.” 

Kevin laughed at that, “The show you mean?” 

Nick nodded, “Hell yes. Those kids drove me half way to crazy. I’m not sure how you guys were able to deal with me.” 

“It was a challenge at times, but I don’t ever recall you barking at me.” 

At the reference to Aaron’s barking, Nick seemed surprised. “You watched?” 

It’s funny that one day in the middle of all the chaos, Nick muttered to himself, “I wonder if Kevin is watching this?” he was surprised that he hadn’t gotten a call from Kevin about the show. True, he barely talked to the guy after he up and quit the band, but he was almost certain that the second his ex band mate heard about the reality show the phone would ring.

Nick was actually disappointed when that didn’t happen. It’s almost like he wanted Kevin to try to talk him out of it. Not that he would have listened or anything because by the time the news of the show was going around he was already too far into it to turn away, but even still. A call would have been nice.

The only one who ever asked how the show was going was AJ. It’s like the other two could really care less and that kind of hurt his feelings. He needed the support of the group but once again felt like it wasn’t there. That’s when he found himself missing Kevin, while he was filming House of Carters. The guidance he always got from the oldest and self professed wisest member of the band was something he often took for granted until it was no longer there. 

“Did you doubt I would?” Kevin asked surprised.

Nick shrugged, “I wasn’t sure you were even aware of it.”

“Nick, I know all…remember?”

“I’m just surprised you didn’t call or anything to scream at me for being a dumbass.” 

“I wanted to, but I thought you didn’t want to hear from me. You weren’t the most cordial guy after I quit. I had no idea where I stood with you.” 

“I was mad.”

Kevin laughed at that, “Oh really? I wasn’t able to tell.”

“I’m still mad.” 

“Nick, come on…”

“I still don’t get why you left.” And he really didn’t. In fact he couldn’t believe how quickly his mood changed just thinking about it. He felt so abandoned and lied to when Kevin decided not to come back since he was the one who always talked about ‘forever’ when it came to the status of the Backstreet Boys. When Nick went solo, it was Kevin who gave him an hour or so lecture about loyalty. Then what does he do? He up and quits with no further explanation than “It’s just not for me anymore.” 

“I wasn’t happy.” Kevin answered honestly. 

“Are you happy now?” 

Once again Kevin didn’t answer immediately. He sat there with his hand on his chin. Of course he was happy. What a dumb question that was. Nick knew what he was going to say. He had a little boy now. He had the freedom to do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. He had a beautiful wife, an incredible house and family. 

“I’m very happy, but I do miss you guys.” 

“It’s not the same anymore.” Nick confessed. “Since you left, it feels so different.” 

“I would hope it feels different. If it didn’t, I would say something was wrong.” Kevin glanced over and saw the humdrum look on his friend’s face and continued, “How is it different?”

“The vibe is just off. Don’t get me wrong, we are having a ton of fun now, more than we ever have before. We can laugh and have a great time…”

“And not get bitched at by me?” Kevin interrupted.

Nick laughed, “I didn’t say that…but yeah, okay…that’s true.”

“Uh huh, and?”

“And what?”

“How else is the vibe different, or did you just mean me not being there to bitch at you?”

“Oh, no there’s more. I sometimes feel like an outsider, looking in.”

“What do you mean by that?” 

“Just that I feel like they all have so much more in common and I’m the odd man out. It’s just a weird feeling, especially now that Howie is married. AJ is more settled down and he and Brian are so close now.” 

Kevin gave Nick a look of understanding, “I used to feel like that sometimes to.”

“The odd man out?” Nick asked. 

Kevin nodded, “It was always you and Brian and AJ and Howie. I was like the older brother who was no fun and no one wanted to be around.” 

“That’s not true Kev…”

“Yeah it was. I mean it didn’t always feel like that but at the beginning, I was that odd man out.”

Nick couldn’t refute what Kevin was saying because it was the truth. Kevin was the odd man out; in fact Brian would use those same words sometimes while they were in the middle of playing a video game or shooting hoops. 

_“I feel for Kevin.” He would say, “It’s like he’s the odd man out…”_ Brian would ask Nick if it was okay if he invited his cousin to tag along. All the young blond would do was roll his eyes and say hells no. At first, Brian misconstrued that for hatred. He was certain that Nick disliked Kevin, but in all honesty it was more a jealousy issue. Nick was just afraid that if he let the older guy tag along, Brian would divert his attention to his cousin and it would be the thirteen year old who would be left in the dust. 

“I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like that.” Nick apologized. 

“It’s okay Nick, I’m just saying I know how you feel. I’m sorry you feel that way. I’m sure it’s not their intent. Have you talked to them about it?” 

Nick shook his head, “It’s not worth it. They’ll just make fun of me, call me childish and they’d probably be right. I guess it’s all just part of growing up.”

“Well, sometimes growing up sucks.” Kevin admitted. 

Nick let out a small laugh, “Yeah it does.” 

“Nick…”

“Yeah?”

“For the record, even though I think your show was a big mistake, I can tell it helped you.” 

“Yeah?”

Kevin nodded, “I watched every week, sometimes with only one eye opened. Some of that was hard to get through.”

“You should have been there.”

“I was and that’s why it was painful to witness over again.” 

“I went into therapy after that.”

“I know. Brian mentioned that to me.”

“It helped.”

“I can tell. I’m proud of you Nickolas.” 

Nick looked up and felt a faint flutter in the pit of his stomach. Those words coming out of Kevin’s mouth meant so much more to him than they would from anybody else. In fact, out of anyone else’s mouth, those same words meant nothing. 

“Thanks Kevin, it’s nice to hear someone say that.” 

“I’m sure other people have said that to you.”

“I guess, but it’s not the same.” 

Kevin smiled. “My words shouldn’t mean anymore to you than anyone else’s.”

“I know and believe me; it pisses me off that they do!” 

Both men laughed. 


	3. Chapter 3

**If a friend is in trouble, don't annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it. ~Edgar Watson Howe**

**~ 3 ~**

**That Special Bond**

I’ve always felt a special bond with Nick. Even at the very beginning of our career together. The very first time I met him and saw this tiny little kid, I knew either I’d end up killing him or loving him. Believe me many times the first feeling came into play much more than the second one. 

He played a prank on me shortly after I signed my contract with Lou. He told me that after everyone became an official Backstreet Boy, that Lou would take them out to dinner and casually ask them to kiss him on the lips. If we didn’t say yes, it would kind of deter him from letting a member stay. Nick then went on to tell me about the other two guys that used to be Backstreet Boys and the only reason they were no longer Backstreet Boys was because they both refused to kiss Lou. Howie nodded the entire time which only made me believe what this child was telling me.

I went to Howie and asked him, “Did Lou actually make you kiss him?” Kind of horrified about the answer and that’s when he laughed. He couldn’t keep Nick’s secret any longer. He told me that Nick had been planning this whole kissing thing for weeks and that the look on my face was priceless. 

I remember being more relived than anything else. I wasn’t even all that mad about it. The thought that I had just signed my life away to a pervert was much more disconcerting than a stupid prank played on me by a child. 

Too bad as the first few years of our lives started to unfold as The Backstreet Boys, I started to see things in Lou that I did not like. In particular the way he’d look at Nick when he was sure no one was paying any attention. I pulled Howie aside once in the middle of a rehearsal and decided to bring up the kissing thing again. 

“Remember that prank Nick played on me when I first joined?” 

Howie, infamous for having a very crappy memory shook his head, “Which one?”

“The kissing Lou on the lips one.” 

Howie nodded and laughed. “Oh yeah, he really was hoping you’d go in for a kiss.” 

“Do you think that could be true?” I wasn’t in the mood to play games. This had been bothering me for weeks now and I needed someone else’s eyes to see what I was seeing. 

He seemed a little surprised by my question. This was the point where we were all trying to size one another up. I found myself really connected to Howie, mainly because we were close in age. Most importantly, he enjoyed having what we liked to call ‘big boy’ fun. The others were too young to partake in this ‘big boy’ fun. But the two of us would enjoy going out on the town from time to time and hitting clubs. We never stayed out too late because the people at Trans-con watched us like hawks and only I was actually old enough to drink. We’d secretly high five each other after we managed to get into these clubs while Howie was under aged. We were such dorks back then. 

During these outings with Howard, there were many times I wanted to bring my unease of our sixth Backstreet Boy up in casual conversation, but how does one do that exactly? Especially when you aren’t quite sure of the reaction you might get. 

“He was only kidding Kev, it was a joke.”

“Are you sure?” 

“Why? Did he actually ask you for a kiss or something?” Howie seemed perplexed which made me think I was overreacting. I almost dropped it, but I’m glad I didn’t. 

“The way he looks at him,” I said as I pointed at Nick, “it bothers me.”

When Howie didn’t say anything I continued, “Maybe I’m just over exaggerating but whenever Lou is around, have you ever noticed how he always goes over and hugs Nick? He always pulls him close and pats his back. I don’t know…I was just wondering if you noticed that as well.”

Howie wiped himself off with a towel as he thought about what I had just said. We were on our ten minute break and at any second, we were going to have to resume our dance moves. “I never thought about it, but yeah I know what you mean.” 

“Does he do that with AJ and Brian as well?” I asked hoping against hope that my cousin wasn’t being molested by this creepy guy. 

“I haven’t noticed, but now I’ll keep my eye out. Maybe we shouldn’t let Nicky be alone with him, you know? Just in case.” Howie said glancing over at the young blond who stuck his tongue out when he saw us both staring at him. 

“Take a picture, it lasts longer.” He said in that squeaky baby voice he used to have. 

To this day, the one question Howie asked next occasionally haunted me from time to time. “Are you going to ask Nick?” He had said just as we were summoned to take our spots once again. 

I shook my head, “It’s not my place.” I said naively, not realizing the people who were supposed to be taking care of him really were not. Back then, I foolishly thought his parents were just like mine. Caring and always there when needed. 

By the time I realized how wrong I was, it was too late. 

“I think the burgers are burning.” My thoughts came out of the past as the smell of burning meat hit my nostrils. Quickly I grabbed the spatula and flipped our burgers which had suddenly gone from red to black. 

“You know, you could have flipped them if you knew they were burning.” 

“No way man, I learned not to mess with the grill when you are cooking and besides, I kind of like my meat very dead.”

“You could have flipped mine at least.”

“Where were you anyway? You keep drifting in and out, I feel like I’m with me.” 

Nick made me laugh as he so often does. “And how does that make you feel?” I asked him, hoping for an amusing answer.

“Confused.” He said, as he opened up a bag of chips and passed them my way. 

“I was thinking about Lou.” I confessed as I placed a Salt and Vinegar chip into my mouth. 

“Why?”

“I have no idea.” 

“He’s gonna be in jail for a long ass time! He deserves it too, jerk!” He grumbled the words under his breath which is what Nick seemed to do whenever Lou was mentioned. 

I remember just getting out of the shower when Kris called me over to the living room to see what was on the news one day shortly before Halloween. We already knew Lou was going to jail for a good long time due to his questionable finances. I admit when I heard about it, I had mixed emotions. Part of me owed this man everything for getting us to where we were. The other part of me though, hoped he would rot in hell for the things he did.

“They just mentioned Nick.” 

“Oh great, what did he do now?” I started to rub my damp hair with my towel.

“Nothing, they mentioned his name in a story about Lou. It’s coming up after the break. I thought you’d want to hear whatever it is that’s going to be said.” I felt bad that my mind went automatically to Nick screwing up. He’s been a good boy for quite a while now. 

“I wonder if they asked him to comment on the conviction or something.” I sat down next to my wife and gave her a quick peck on the cheek. 

The news report started off innocent enough, explaining the details of Lou’s arrest and all the bands he had helped while a ‘mogul’ but then it took an interesting turn. The lady doing the reporting spoke about a Vanity Fair article where some of the members of the bands he helped, started speaking out on how inappropriate Lou was with them. The biggest name mentioned was Nick. He didn’t speak to Vanity Fair personally but several witnesses admitted to seeing Lou act in improper ways which supposedly sent Jane Carter into a tizzy.

“Is that true?” My wife asked me with a horrified look on her face. 

The saddest part of that question was that still after all this time, I wasn’t sure of the answer. 

I looked over at Nick as he grabbed his burger and placed it in a bun, “Did he ever touch you?” I decided to just be blunt. Why not? 

He stopped what he was doing as if he had just been hit in the face, “What?” He asked as if he hadn’t heard correctly or maybe he was hoping that upon him saying that, I would have second thoughts and change my mind to say never mind, which I almost did…almost. 

“Did Lou ever touch you?”

“Did he ever touch you?” He asked me almost immediately. 

“No.” I answered before taking a bite of my well done hamburger. 

“Me either.” 

“Really?”

“I didn’t say that to you.” He got defensive, which broke my heart a little bit. It told me he was lying, not that I was surprised because I was pretty certain it happened, but still, a part of me was hoping that it didn’t. 

Howie and I watched carefully whenever Lou made his way over to Nick. He usually did it when he thought we were all distracted and his parents were out of the room. He’d slowly waddle over to our youngest member and place his arms around him. 

No matter what we were doing, even if I was in the middle of a conversation, I would make my way over to them and interrupt. I’d call Nick over and say he needed to be a part of what we were doing. Most of the time Nick seemed relieved for the interruption, even displaying a sigh of relief as we walked away from Pearlman. I still never got up the nerve to ask him flat out if Lou had ever touched him inappropriately.

When I didn’t get a chance to watch Nick with Lou, Howie would be there. The two of us always making sure nothing happened to that kid on our watch. At first we made sure Lou didn’t single out any of the others but it seemed that his main attention was always on Nick. 

One time, I overheard a conversation between Nick and his mother just as we were finishing up rehearsals for the day. They were arguing about something and me being as nosy as I was, made sure I got just close enough to hear what was being said. 

Nick was crying because he didn’t want to go to Lou’s. Apparently he was invited over for dinner. Supposedly Lou had a little nephew just Nick’s age and he was desperate for the two to meet. Our manager was sure they would hit it off. 

Jane couldn’t understand why on earth Nick would pass up a chance to get his foot even further inside the Pearlman Empire but I knew all too well. She was going to force him to go and that thought made me nauseous. “I’ll go with you Nick. I mean if it’s okay with your mom?” I glanced over at Jane, not even realizing that I had pushed into something that was none of my business. 

Jane however quickly reminded me of that, “Excuse me…” She said with so much disgust in her voice I thought she was going to spit on me, “but this is a private conversation.” 

“I’d love it if you came with me Kevin! Mom, can Kevin come too?” Nick ignored his mother and immediately smiled. 

“I wasn’t even invited.” She said looking at her son but talking directly to me. This was the first time I knew that Mrs. Carter and I would not be friends. 

“I’m sure he’ll make an exception for Kevin! This is awesome! Kevin we’ll have so much fun!” Nick had all but forgotten how upset he was before. He took my wanting to go to Lou’s with him as me becoming his new best friend. I of course was annoyed because that meant canceling plans I had made with a very impatient Kristin. 

How strange it was that once Lou found out that I had invited myself over, suddenly his nephew got a stomach virus and ended up not coming. He bent down to Nick and said, “Maybe some other time kiddo.” And then gave me a smile. 

Nick went from dreading going over to Lou’s to being downright disappointed when he cancelled. “Maybe we can still hang out.” He had said to me but I shrugged him off.

“I am going out with Kris.” 

I’m sure that left him confused. One second I wanted nothing more than to hang out with my buddy, almost 10 years younger than me, and the next I was back to not wanting to be around him at all. I remember seeing his face as I turned around and waved goodbye to him. He was crushed. 

Now glancing over at him, I decided I wouldn’t drop the issue. “Remember when Lou’s nephew was supposed to visit?” 

He let out a frustrated sigh, “Why are we still talking about this?” 

“Do you remember that?” 

“I guess.”

“I invited myself along with you.”

“Yeah and then you ditched me.”

“I invited myself over there because I didn’t want you alone with Lou.”

When he looked over at me, I widened my eyes as a gesture of understanding. I just felt like it was important for him to know he could talk about it if he wanted to. That I wasn’t going to sit here in judgment of him. “Howie and I always tried to watch your back and make sure that bastard never got too close.”

“He still got close.” 

“I know and I’m sorry.”

“Kevin, is this some kind of weird trip where you feel the need to apologize to me about all you’ve done wrong in the past?” 

“No, I mean I just wanted to, you know…”

“Because, don’t get me wrong. I love all the apologies from you and I wish I had a way of getting them all on tape but we haven’t even been here one whole night yet. 

I laughed, “I have been saying I’m sorry a lot haven’t I?” 

“Uh, yeah? It’s making me uneasy, like you’re going to tell me you have nineteen minutes to live or something.” 

“Nineteen minutes?”

“I picked a random number.”

“I see that.”

“You do have more than nineteen minutes to live, right?” He looked up at me with a very serious look on his face. 

“I have about twenty.” 

He let out a fake sigh of relief. “Thanks for looking out for me back then.” He said after a few minutes of trying to figure out in his head if he wanted to drop it or say what he was thinking. “You always looked out for me when I was a kid, you and Howie both. Hell, you still look out for me now.” 

“That’s because I care.”

“Just for the record, he never did anything more than grope me.” He bit his bottom lip. I could tell this was something he didn’t want to talk about anymore. “He felt me up a couple of times but when I threatened to tell on him, he stopped.” 

“Did you threaten to tell your parents?” 

“No. I told him I’d tell you.” He smiled, “In some ways I think he was more afraid of what you would do than my parents.” 

I handed him a beer, “I wish you had.” 

“I do too.” He confessed as he took the beer and saluted me.


	4. Chapter 4

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. ~Henri Nouwen

**~ 4 ~**

**Calming Time**

After dinner I gave Kevin some alone time to talk to his wife. It was so weird for me to picture him as a dad. I’m not saying I can’t picture him as a father because in so many ways that’s what he was to me, but I mean a real, full fledged, “this little thing here to my left is my son,” type dad. When I first heard he was going to become a father, I have to admit I had mixed emotions. I know it’s what he’s wanted for so long and because of that I was so happy for him. Then there was the kid in me who was a little jealous. Now that he had his own family he’d just kind of brush the rest of us off to the side as unimportant and by the rest of us, I guess I meant me. 

To be fair to him, I was the one that distanced myself from him after he left the group. It wasn’t the other way around and that’s what I did when he had Mason. I kind of left him alone. It wasn’t because I didn’t care because believe me, I did. Sometimes I just don’t know how to act when it comes to stuff like that. 

When the time came to finally meet Kevin’s son for the first time, I actually felt sick to my stomach. I’m not sure why. It’s not like I expected the kid to look at me and say “Daddy get him away he’s EVIL!” I’m weird, I know. When I did get a chance to hold him and talk to him, I felt fine. I remember looking over at Kevin and getting choked up by his facial expressions. The loving way he looked down at his little boy. I wonder if my father did that with me. I’d like to think so. 

I was just about to take out my phone and start playing a game when I realized we hadn’t called Howie yet. This really would be the perfect opportunity while Kevin was busy and I was bored out of my mind. Just like Kevin and Mason though, I felt equally uncomfortable calling Howie knowing what he was going through. 

I really suck in situations like this. What do you say to someone whose father is dying? What could I possibly say to him that would make any sense? Because I get so tongue tied and say the dumbest things, I have kind of avoided talking to Howie once he asked us for time off. The last thing I wanted to do was say something to make him feel like crap. 

I’m not sure why I revert back to a small child when anything relating to emergencies happen to people I love. I’m sure I come off looking like a complete and total ass, but I just can’t help it. When Brian went in for his heart surgery I was so nervous I literally sat in the bathroom and threw up the entire night beforehand. Did I bother to call him or see him that night though? No. I know it hurt him that I blew him off, even though to this day he’ll never admit it to me. I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t bring myself to go see my then best friend lying in a hospital room most likely hooked up to a ton of machines with all his family around. 

Even after his surgery, I couldn’t bring myself to see him. It wasn’t until he was home for about a week that I finally got my ass motivated enough to pick up the phone and talk to him. Sometimes I blame that whole incident on our gradual distance from each other. I think it’s more his wife than him, but even still, he probably misconstrued all of that for lack of caring when in fact it was the complete opposite. I cared so much it made me sick. 

AJ in rehab was another example of me being too weak to really be the friend I should have been. Seeing him so vulnerable and hurt and mostly dead inside hurt me so deep to the core that I couldn’t even handle it. I balled my eyes out for days, even on national television for God’s sake! Did I bother to go see him while he was in rehab though? No. 

When people hurt, I flee and I hate that about myself. I think as I’ve grown up, I’ve gotten better at it and my therapy sessions have helped. Lana (My therapist) told me, one day while we were discussing the reason I fled the house right before my father came to town, that it was an abandonment issue I had. 

They really played it down on the House of Carters, but I was missing for such a long time, that they almost called the cops to try to find me. I guess it was three days total. I didn’t even show up for the recording session that day at the studio. That’s when BJ got hysterical and told the guys I had been missing when Brian called to try to track me down. I had shut off my cell phone and left it in my car. After the first day I even managed to ditch the small skeleton crew from the TV show that was following me around. It’s like I wanted nothing to do with anyone. I guess we can call it a good old fashioned nervous breakdown. I don’t even remember much of that time. For all I know I was kidnapped by a cult. A cult of people who did nothing but give me alcohol and lot’s of pot all weekend. 

That particular instance was one of the main reasons I ended up in Lana’s office to begin with. The guys were so pissed at me for just not showing up, I thought they were going to kill me. AJ sat me down after that and told me that I should really talk to someone. He’s the one that gave me her number, but it wasn’t until way after the show was over that I finally gave her a call. 

When she asked me why I left like that, all I said was I didn’t want to see my dad. There was so much going on between us at the time that it hurt too much to see him. That’s when we traced my history of leaving a situation when it got too hard to handle, right down to all the times my parents would fight and be abusive to each other when I was little. She said that my fear of rejection was so high that I just automatically would take myself out of the equation. It made so much sense. Like with Brian, I was afraid if I went to the hospital to see him they’d turn me away because I wasn’t important enough to be there. So instead, I just turned myself away before he and his family had a chance. 

Lana really helped me which is a good thing because Lana was very expensive!

I rubbed at my face and sighed as I dialed Howie’s number. What’s the worse that could happen? He just tells me he can’t talk right now and hangs up. Actually the best thing that could happen is that he doesn’t answer his phone at all and I can leave him a message. This way the ball would be in his court. Yes, let’s pray to the phone Gods that for once Howie does NOT answer his phone. 

“Hello?” The phone gods suck ass.

“Hey Howie.” I whispered.

“Nicky!” He sounded pleasantly surprised to hear from me.

“Yup, I’m sorry… is this a bad time?” 

“No, not at all. Actually everyone is inside my aunt’s house. I needed a break so I’m sitting in the trailer. 

“Trailer?” 

“Yeah, the RV thing.” 

When Howie found out his dad didn’t have very much time left, he decided to rent an RV and drive him down to see his family. It sounded like something right out of a movie of the week but yet, it also seemed like the perfect way to spend as much quality time with his father as possible. 

“How is that going?” 

“Really well, you should see me trying to drive this thing though. I’m lucky I haven’t hit anyone.”

I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or not. I know he was making a joke but if I laugh, do I seem insensitive to what he’s going through? “You can laugh you know, it was a joke Nicky.” Howie the mind reader, I love him.

I giggled, “Picturing you driving that thing makes me smile. Can you even see above the dashboard?” 

“Ha-ha, very funny. John and I are taking turns driving but I do a much better job than he does.” There was a light pause in our conversation. “So, what have you been up to?” He asked when he got tired of waiting for me to say something. 

“You’ll never guess where I am.”

“Does it involve a lot of naked women?”

“No, sadly.”

“Then just tell me.”

“I’m with Kevin. We’re in the woods camping.” 

Another pause while he took that information in. “Really? That’s awesome Nick.”

“Yeah, he invited me out so I said yes. AJ and Brian are going to join us in a day.” 

“Wow, sounds like fun.” 

I felt bad. I hope he didn’t think we were leaving him out. I knew I shouldn’t have said anything. “We’ll do this again when you’re available.”

“I’d like that.” He said. His manner of speaking was overly calm and relaxed. 

“So, how are you holding up?” I asked him. 

“It’s hard sometimes but overall I think I’m doing okay. Luckily we’re all here to lean on each other. Dad seems to be having a great time and his spirits are high, so it makes it easier on all of us.”

“I’m glad to hear that.” I nodded and felt a tinge of sadness. Hoke was a great dad to Howie. Is a great dad to him. Whenever I was around him, he always made me feel like I was one of his kids. Both of D’s parents are warm like that. It explains why he’s such a great guy and why I am such a loser.

“So, Kevin is there with you now?”

“Yeah, he was talking to Kris.”

“Is she there as well, with the baby?”

“No, they stayed at home.”

“Wow, I’m impressed he left them.”

“I think Kris is too.” Howie laughed at that. 

“I should be getting back inside. I’m sure they’re starting to wonder where I am.”

“Okay, tell everyone I said hello and give them my love.”

“I’m glad you called Nicky.” 

I smiled, “I am too. I know Kevin wants to call you, should I tell him to wait until tomorrow?”

“Yeah, maybe that’s a good idea.”

“Okay…” I stopped and then felt the need to say, “Hey D, I love you!” 

“I know. I love you too kiddo.”

I felt great after talking to Howie. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. He sounded like he was doing all right and he was happy I called. “Hey there Nickerbocker, what are you up to?” Kevin asked as he walked over to where I was and sat down. 

“Nickerbocker?” 

“Yup” He seemed very happy. 

“How’s the family?”

“Wonderful. Kristin sends her love and so does my son.”

“I doubt Mason said, tell Nick I think he’s the shit!”

“Close, he said something like Dada doodie momma. I translated.” 

“Well doodie is very close to shit.” 

“True Nick…very true.” 

“I just got off the phone with D.” 

Kevin seemed surprised at that. “How is he?”

“He seems okay. He sounds very calm, almost too calm.”

Kevin unfolded his long legs and sat back as he nodded, “I understand that calm.” He said. 

I looked over at him, “What do you mean?”

“It’s the kind of calm that comes with the knowledge that someone close to you is dying. It’s weird to explain, but it’s like you get yourself to a certain point after all the anxiety and sadness, where you just start feeling this overwhelming sense of calm.” He had this far away look on his face as he continued, “You know that every second you’re with him becomes so valuable that to spend it fretting or crying seems ridiculous. There’s time for that later. I wish I had more of that calming time to spend with my dad.” 

“I’m so lucky I haven’t ever had to go through anything like that.” I admitted, feeling dumb for letting small things get to me the way they do. I mean my parents are a mess but at least they are both alive and well. 

He wrapped an arm around me and pulled me into a hug, “I hope you never know how it feels Nick.” He let go of me and pat my leg. 

“When my grandma died it hit me hard, but it happened fast. We didn’t have to sit and watch her die.”

“Grief is grief.” He answered. “It’s never easy to watch someone you love die.” 

“Sometimes I wish we’re all given a little notice when something like that happens, this way we have time to say what we need to say before they go.”

“You mean die.”

“Yes.”

He turned towards me, crossing his legs Indian style, “What would you have said to your grandmother if you had the chance?”

I thought about it for a few seconds. My grandmother and I had a very special and unique relationship. When we talked she was more like a friend than a grandmother. It’s weird, how different my family seems from everyone else’s. Who else would say that if they could pick someone to go to a bar with to get drunk for the first time, they’d pick their grandmother? But I would. She was that cool.

“Probably just tell her that I loved her. I didn’t say that enough when we were together.”

“I’m sure she knew.”

“I hope so.”

“Howie is lucky. I’m sure he doesn’t realize it now, but he’s been given a gift. To be able to have this final time with his dad is so important.” 

“I’m happy he is getting to do that too. You know if this was a few years ago, management would have never let him do this.”

Kevin nodded, “I know. The sad thing is, I probably would have given him a hard time as well. I was a real bastard when it came to stuff like this.”

“Kevin, that’s bullshit. You would have let him go. Hell, you probably would have fought with management on his behalf.”

“Maybe.”

“Definitely.” 

He smiled at me, “Thanks.”

“It’s the truth.”

He stood up and gave me a hand to do the same. “Well, we’ve had a long day…I think we should hit the sack! Remember it’s an early morning tomorrow.”

“Ah yes, fishing time?”

“Of course!”

“Those fish better watch their backs because Mr. Carter is coming!”

“I’m sure they’re shaking in their boots”

“Now that would be cool, fish wearing boots.”

Kevin shook his head as we ventured into our tent for the night. 


	5. Chapter 5

**A friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you.**

**~Elbert Hubbard, _The Notebook_ , 1927**

**~ 5 ~**

**Fish for Breakfast**

I woke up to the sound of birds chirping right outside our tent. At first I was confused and reached my arm out to find my wife. This was my favorite part of the day, early morning. The first few moments of the day before Mason started crying for us. I’d pull Kris close to me and give her a hug and kiss under the chin and just soak in my new life. When I went to pull her close though, I quickly retracted when I saw Nick coming my way. 

“Well, that could have been awkward.” I said to myself as I laughed. Luckily Nick slept right through my almost molesting of him. 

I sat up and ran my hands through my morning hair. I needed a shower. Maybe we could walk about a mile down the wooded path to a nice waterfall. Nothing made your hair feel better than a natural shampoo under a huge waterfall. I suddenly felt the urge to go and hug a tree but I decided against it. 

I looked down at Nick and shook my head. The boy had such an unusual way of sleeping. He is the only person I know who sleeps on his back with his arms crossed in front of him. He has done this as long as I’ve known him. He sleeps like a vampire in a coffin. It looks so uncomfortable I almost want to roll him onto his side. I have done that a few times over the years but he almost always ends up on his back again. 

Back in the days when we were being run ragged by our management, Nick would always end up finding a space to fall asleep. Sometimes it was in normal places like a couch, or a bench at an airport, but most times, he found weird places to take a few minutes of naptime like under a recording console or in a bathroom stall. On the set of the Everybody video he actually fell asleep in Howie’s coffin while standing up dressed like the mummy. I took a picture of it and blew it up to poster size. The plan was to give it to him on his birthday, but before that happened, the poster mysteriously disappeared. I think a fan snuck into my dressing room and stole it, even though I’ve never seen it turn up on E-Bay or anything. If it does, I may have to bid on it. 

The slumbering Nickolas slowly opened his eyes and yawned at me while he stretched his arms over his head. “Is it morning already?” 

Great, now I found myself yawning too. 

“Yup, I was going to let you sleep for a little longer.”

“What time is it?”

“6-ish.”

“Jesus Christ that’s early.”

“I know.”

“Are the booted fish even awake yet?” He sat up and scratched at his head. 

“Yes, but they probably don’t have their boots on.”

“Slackers…so what are you making me for breakfast?”

“What am I making you?”

“Uh huh.”

“I was thinking… nothing.”

“Yeah, I don’t much like that, what else you got?” 

I laughed at him. This morning felt like every other morning that I’ve known him. It wasn’t an uncomfortable feeling or uneasy like I thought it might be. I was afraid that after coming all this way, we’d find ourselves at some kind of impasse. Nothing is worse than realizing you suddenly have nothing in common with a good friend anymore. Not that I really thought that would happen with Nick, but honestly, you never know. Today he was the playful and fun Nicky of the past. He seemed to wake up with no worry on his face and a sense of calm in his demeanor. That made me happy.

“Hrmm…well I did bring some eggs and bacon, but I was hoping we could catch a few fish for breakfast.”

“Fish for breakfast?”

“Yeah.”

“Do we catch the fish and force them to make us breakfast?” 

“No, we catch the fish and force them to BE our breakfast.”

“Uh…yuck?”

“Yuck? So, you won’t eat fish if we catch any?”

“Yeah I’ll eat it but not for breakfast.”

“Nick, what difference does it make what time it is?”

“Would you eat a hamburger for breakfast?” He asked giving me that one raised eyebrow of his that I swear he learned from me.

“I would if I caught it.”

“No, you wouldn’t. You would say something like ‘that’s not healthy enough!’ and try to track down some granola or something.”

“First of all, I don’t sound like that!” He made me sound like a whiny George Bush on crack. He does a horrible southern accent. I mean absolutely terrible. “And secondly, you are an ass.”

He found that funny.

“So, what you’re getting at is that we aren’t going to eat breakfast until AFTER we go fishing?” 

“Kind of, yeah.”

“I might very well starve before then.”

I looked in one of the backpacks I brought and grabbed a granola bar out of it, tossing it his way. “Eat this.”

“I KNEW you’d have these with you! Nice to know some things never change.” 

He opened the package and took a bite out of it like some kind of ravenous wolf. “Are you going to whip a Starbucks coffee out of that bag too?” He asked hopeful. 

“No, but I do have some coffee singles if you want to start a fire so we can boil some water.”

“That I can do, I think.” He said tossing the plastic wrap from the granola bar on the floor of the tent and standing up. His knees cracked just like he said they would.

After drinking our fake coffee next to the fire that I had to start, I managed to convince Nick to follow me down to the waterfall so I could clean up a little bit. It was also a great place to go in for a quick swim and wake ourselves up before we started fishing. I was determined to catch enough for dinner tonight. I did not want to eat beef stew out of a can. 

“Wow this place is beautiful.” He said in awe as we approached the falls. They were so loud it sounded like we were about to be hit by a tornado. “How can something so calm make so much noise?” 

I slowly approached the small hill which led into the water, “I have always loved the roar of a waterfall. If I could put it on my I-Pod I would.” I stuck my foot in and smiled when I felt the water surprisingly warm, for this time of morning “This is awesome!” I said jumping in. 

“Jesus! Isn’t it cold in there?” He asked now making his way down the hill very carefully. The rocks and moss surrounding the area was very slick, creating a natural slide. 

“Come on in and find out!” I ducked my head under the water and suddenly felt wide awake. “Before you do, toss me the shampoo out of my bag!” 

“Kevin please tell me you are not going to get all naked when I’m in there.”

“I’m not.”

“Okay good.” He said grabbing the shampoo and tossing it my way. 

I put a dollop in my hair and massaged while watching Nick slowly make his way over towards the edge of the rocks. Part of me wanted to just walk over there and pull him in. Get him back for all the times he has done that to me, but I was enjoying watching this slow, calculating blond move as if he was a one year old. By the time I made my way to the falls to rinse out my shampoo, he managed to get his feet in the water. I heard him yell a few colorful words just as the roar of the falls overtook my hearing. I guess he didn’t think the water was as warm as I did. 

Ah well…

“Kevin how can you think this water is warm?”

“I didn’t say it was warm, I said come in and find out.” 

“I’m not coming in, my nuts will fall off.”

“Mine didn’t.”

“I wouldn’t be too sure. They are probably floating downstream.”

“You should come in, once you’re in the water is fine, unless you’ve become some kind of wussy boy since the last time I saw you.”

He cocked his head at me, “Wussy boy?”

“You heard me kid.”

“Are you actually challenging me to get into the water with you?” 

I smiled, this was too easy. Nick folded his arms in front of him and went to stand up. When he did that, he slipped on a rock and went sailing right into the water making a huge splash as he landed. 

“Shit! That’s not what I was going for!” He said when he resurfaced. 

Of course I waited until I knew he was okay before I started to laugh my ass off and man I was really laughing hard, so hard in fact I was crying. “That was so smooth!” I managed to get out after a few seconds. “My favorite part was the cool way you….” I had to take a second to breathe before I acted out the next part, “flailed your arms as you tumbled down.” 

“I meant to do that.” He was trying his hardest not to laugh. “That was all for your amusement.”

“Well than, thanks for that!” I wiped my tears away and once again tried to stop myself from full on laughing. It didn’t work. I was in the middle of a laughing fit. 

“Jesus Kevin, what did you put in your crappy cup of coffee this morning and can I have some?”

I looked over at him and started laughing really hard again. I could tell I was amusing the boy. He wasn’t sure what to do. This was unusual and kind of Freaky Friday opposite of how things used to be. “You really don’t get out much anymore, do you?” He asked finally allowing himself to giggle. Now that he was laughing, it was all over. There was no way I would stop now. 

“I forgot how funny you could be little man, that’s all.” I sighed and once again wiped a few tears out of my eyes. 

“I’m glad I bring you so much enjoyment. See what you’re missing on a daily basis?”

“Good thing, otherwise I’d have to start wearing Depends.” 

Nick laughed at that as he made his way over to the waterfall. “Can I tell you a secret?” He asked as he grabbed the bottle of shampoo that was floating next to him. 

“Yup, go ahead.” 

“One of my secret fears has always been being in water taller than me.”

“What does that even mean, water taller than you?” 

“You know like waterfalls and those giant sized water fountains.” 

I was shocked that fish boy was afraid of anything to do with the water. “Really… I did not know that about you Nickolas. So are you crapping your pants right now?”

“I have overcome that fear for the most part but when I was little I used to be afraid that the water would eat me.”

“Eat you?” Once again he was amusing me.

“Yeah, because if you stand and look at a waterfall for long enough it looks like it has teeth…just watch.” He pointed over to the falls as he continued to lather the soap into his hair.

I stood there and watched the waterfall intently and he was right, after a few minutes the rough white of the water as it gradually fell down started resembling sharp teeth, coupled with the roaring sound, what he was saying almost made sense…almost.

“Ah, you see it don’t you? I can tell.” He glanced over with a look of pride on his face. 

“A little, yeah.”

“Think of a mini me seeing that. It’s scary isn’t it?” He asked again. 

“Yup, I can see that but, water fountains?” 

He made his way under the water to rinse his hair. “I have issues!” He yelled really loudly trying to be heard over the sound of the falls. 

“Yes you do and because you just screamed it so loudly, the rest of the free world knows it too!”

“I’m sure they already did.” He said walking out from under the falls and shaking his head like a wet dog. 

“True.” I agreed as he splashed water at me. I was starting to get a little chilly so I headed out of the water, using a limping branch as a booster. 

“You’re getting out already? I was just starting to have fun!” He pouted at me and once again splashed with all his might before diving under. 

He’s just like a little kid. Once you get Nick Carter in the water, it’s almost impossible to get him out. I should have remembered this about him. “We should get going or else we’ll miss our fishing window.” I took a towel and started drying my hair, arms and legs. 

“But we just got here! Please Kevin? Can’t we stay a little longer?” He purposely made his voice high and gave me those puppy dog eyes. 

“This is our last chance to fish Nick. Don’t you want to do that?”

“Why is this our last chance?” 

“Because tomorrow AJ and Brian will be here.”

“And we can’t fish with them?” He tilted his head the same way a puppy does when he sees something for the first time. 

“I kind of want fishing to be our thing.” I admitted to him. 

I really wanted this one on one time with Nick. Just the two of us fishing and bonding before my cousin and AJ got here. He seemed genuinely moved by what I said as he made his way over to where I was sitting and held his hand up for help. I bent down and grabbed onto his arm and let him lean on me as he made his way out of the water. 

Sitting next to me he started to dry himself off, “I hope you weren’t just yanking my chain about that.” 

“Nope, I’m serious.” I looked over at him and smiled, “I want fishing to be a Nick and Kevin thing.” 

He smiled wide, “Me too!” 

I stood up and once again lent him a hand to his feet, “Well let’s get going buddy! We have a whole day ahead of us.” 

“So, were you ever afraid of anything when you were a kid?” He asked me as we started walking back towards our tent to get the fishing gear.

“Huge stalks of corn.” I answered.

“Really?” 

“Yup, I always was afraid there were giant gnomes living inside of them ready to eat me!”

“Are you shitting me Kevin?”

“Uh huh.”

“Oh.”


	6. Chapter 6

**True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable. ~Dave Tyson Gentry**

**~ 6 ~**

**The Things We Do**

After playing around under the waterfalls and becoming un-smelly in the process, Kevin and I managed to make our way to his favorite spot for fishing. It wasn’t until then, that I realized how familiar he was with this place. The way he knew exactly where everything was made it seem like this was his second home. I have to admit when he said that fishing was something he just wanted us to have together, I had this feeling of pride. It makes me so angry sometimes how much I let this guy mean to me. I’ve tried to not be like that, but no matter how hard I try, Kevin can either make or break my day. It’s always been like that and it’s so frustrating!

Kevin is very big on fly fishing; in fact he taught me how to do it. He decided that just a good old fashioned rod would be better for fishing today though. Fly fishing in this water would produce poor results he told me as he gave me a pole and took one for himself. That bummed me out but it was all good I guess. Of course a fishing trip with Kevin wouldn’t be complete without at least one stupid looking fishing hat. This one had tackle attached to it. The one he tossed my way was just stupid looking, but still because it was Kevin, I took it and placed it on my head. If the other guys were here, I’d probably veto the whole idea but they weren’t because fishing is OUR thing and not theirs. 

He handed me the tackle box and he brought along a pail to place the gazillions of fish he was sure we would catch. 

“What about snacks?” I asked him just as we were about to leave our tent. 

“Snacks?”

“Yeah, you know…in case we get hungry.”

“Nick, is food all you think about?” 

“No, when I’m not thinking about food, I’m thinking about sex.”

“Well, you aren’t getting any of that on this trip.”

“Right, so food will have to do; besides…I’ve lost a ton of weight you know!”

He smiled at me, “I know that….one can still be skinny and obsess over food.”

“Wow, you called me skinny. Did you think that would ever happen?”

“I used to call you scrawny when you were a kid.”

“That’s because I was a scrawny kid.”

“You are skinny and you want to stay that way so, no snacks for you!” He said in his best Soup Nazi voice. 

“We still haven’t officially even eaten breakfast yet!” I whined and yes I caught myself after it was too late. 

“Uh oh…do we need to call the whambulance?” 

I rubbed my belly as an added effect. “No, I’ll stop whining, I guess.” I pouted at him as he moved slightly ahead of me. 

“Glad to hear it…by the way you look great! I’m sorry I didn’t mention it earlier.” He turned around and winked at me. Ooh I think he likes me!

“Do you have a man crush on me Kevin?”

“Okay, not talking to you anymore until we get to the watering hole.”

“You can tell me, it is okay. No one has to know.”

“Not listening to you!”

I laughed and continued to follow him about ten million miles to our destination. Okay maybe I’m exaggerating a little, but not by much. What is it about this guy and walking? Can’t we ever go somewhere close? “I hope we don’t catch any whales because I’m not carrying them all the way back to camp!” I said to him once I saw the first sign of water. 

“I don’t think we’ll catch any whales Nick.”

He placed his stuff down on the ground and motioned for me to hand him the tackle box. I was just about to complain about the long ass walk but decided against it. I mean he made a big deal out of this being our thing. If I started to complain he’d erase me and substitute his cousin instead and I’d be reduced to having something crappy be our thing like…tobogganing, although that’s pretty fun too. 

“Hello?” He was waving his hands in front of my eyes. “Did I lose you?”

“What is the thing you do with Brian?” Okay I know that was random, maybe he’ll just follow my train of thought.

“Huh?” Or maybe not. 

“Fishing is our thing, what is yours and Brian’s thing?”

“We don’t have a thing.” 

“Really?” 

He laughed at the way I said that. I’m so pathetic.

“He’s my cousin, we don’t need a thing.” 

“What about AJ?”

“We don’t really have a thing either, but I guess golf would be it.”

“You can’t have golf, it’s already Brian and AJ’s thing.”

“I didn’t know there was a rule book to things.” He said as he carefully snaked the bait onto his hook, motioning for me to do the same. 

“Well, I’m just saying…” I shrugged at him.

“What’s your thing with AJ?” He asked while he watched me put the bait on my hook. “Give me that.” He took my pole and of course fixed the bait for me.

“I don’t really have a thing with AJ either. We just hang.” I admitted. 

We walked over to the edge of the riverbank and sat down, placing our rods into the water. I guess that was one of the good things about regular fishing, we could just sit here on the edge and not have to get ourselves wet. 

“How has AJ been?” Kevin asked once he was all set in his fishing mode. 

“He’s been good. I think he’s at the top of his game. His solo stuff sounds great as well. Have you heard any of it?”

“Yeah, he sent me some tracks, they are fantastic.”

I nodded, “Everyone is behind him. I think he’ll do well.”

“How does that make you feel?” 

“What do you mean?” I knew what he meant. I’m not sure why I asked for clarification.

“Because when you went solo you didn’t quite receive the same reaction.” He wasn’t looking at me but instead focusing on the water. 

“I’m happy for him, but yeah…sometimes it bothers me, I guess.”

“Things were really bad back then. It was the timing Nick.”

“Yeah, I know or so I’m always told. Still, it would have been nice to have some support.” I sounded like a bitter old man but it hurt. I mean Brian was ready to replace me for God’s sakes. No matter how much I can pretend otherwise, I’ll never get over that. 

“We were all proud of you.” 

“That’s news to me.”

“Bull shit! I told you how proud I was of you!” He snapped at me.

“You’re right. I’m sorry.” Shortly after I sent the album to all the guys, Kevin called me up and said it was great. I don’t think the others even bothered to listen to it, to be honest; I wouldn’t be surprised if they still haven’t.

Now it was my turn to apologize to him, “I’m sorry I never came to see you in Chicago. That probably felt the same way.”

“That’s okay.” He paused for a few moments and then turned to me, “You really have grown up kiddo.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because a few years ago you would have never even thought about the Chicago thing but now your brain just naturally went there.” 

“I was a terrible person.”

“No you weren’t. You were never terrible... maybe a little terror, but not terrible. Don’t say stuff like that, you know it pisses me off.” 

“I was selfish.”

“You were young.”

I sighed, “I’m not young anymore.” 

“Neither am I.”

“Were you ever?” 

He laughed and shook his head, “I walked right into that one.”

“Yes, you did Kevin…yes you did.”

I decided to place my feet into the water and cringed at how cold it was. “No wonder fish are always in a bad mood. I would be too if I had to live in friggin freezing water all the time.”

He looked over at me, “How do you know that fish are in a bad mood?”

“Think about it man, all they do is swim and then get caught so they can be eaten. That has to suck, right?”

“It’s just a natural progression.”

“Like they would understand that, they’re fish dude.”

“You should have that logo printed on tee shirts. “They’re fish dude!”” 

“Maybe one of my fans will make me one.”

“They’d have to overhear this conversation first.” 

“True.”

“Nick, why do I always feel like our conversations are otherworldly sometimes?” 

“What do you mean?”

He laughed, “Never mind.”

We sat in silence for awhile. I hate the quiet, or I used to at least. I always felt like someone was mad at me when it was too quiet. Seriously, I’d get all paranoid that the next time someone did say something it would have to do with me messing up in some way. Oh I know why I felt like that…because it was almost always true. 

Johnny was infamous for the long pauses of quiet before yelling. When we were younger he and his wife would sit us down and just pace around us as if they were sharks ready to lunge. They wouldn’t say one word until one of us would finally ask them if something was wrong. Nine out of ten times the answer to that question would be, “I don’t know…Nick do you think anything is wrong with the way you just performed?” 

“Do you remember when Johnny and Donna would lecture us after bad performances?” 

He glanced over at me, “Yeah, why?”

“I hated that.”

He laughed at me again, “That was random.”

“I know.” 

Kevin turned his attention back to his fishing rod and the water. He looked so at peace and happy. He was actually smiling at nothing. When was the last time I have ever said that concerning Kevin? How about never? 

“Nick.” He said really slowly, “Why are you staring at me?”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to stare. You were smiling about something and it threw me off.”

“Oh, that’s nice. Kevin is smiling so the world must be coming to an end, is that it?”

“No, I just thought maybe you were thinking about your son or something.” 

“I was…wow, how did you know that?”

“Because you were smiling for no reason, only your son could do that to you I think.”

“I was just thinking about the first time I’ll take him out here to fish.”

I nodded and smiled because I knew that was exactly what he was thinking. Seeing Kevin as happy as he was when it came to his son, almost made me want to have one of my own…almost. Well for a second at least…on second thought, forget I even said that. 

We sat in silence once again. My mind usually starts to wander when it’s too quiet. Of course since the last thing we talked about was his son, I was wondering if he regretted coming out here with me when he could be home with his family instead. If four days was too much for him and maybe tonight he’d say “Let’s call Brian and AJ and tell them not to come because I want to go back home.” I would understand that. It was nice of him to even leave them at all and at least we got a chance to do our thing. We have a thing Kevin and I. He doesn’t really have a thing with anyone else though. 

“Maybe one day, years from now you and I can come out here with Mason and who knows, maybe you’ll have a son of your own by then. We can take them camping and teach them how to fish.” 

“I’d like that.” I answered honestly. “But I’m not going to have a son anytime soon.”

“I didn’t say anytime soon, so relax.” He shook his head at me and my fear of commitment.

Once again we were quiet. I think we were boring the fish because there were none in sight. I wiggled my feet in the water hoping to see at least something living swim underneath them. When the water stilled, nothing was there but feet. Mine and Kevin’s both dangling next to each other like Opie and Andy. 

“I’m starting to get a bad feeling about this.” Kevin said as he glanced over my way.

“Me too, maybe Brian and AJ will bring us some pizzas.” 

“I hope so because no one will deliver all the way out…wait a minute….” He got all excited when his line was tugged by something. The tug was so strong I was even able to tell. 

“Holy crap!” I said, moving my feet out of the water just in case it was a shark. I know…

He started reeling in the line as fast as he could and I suddenly became his cheerleader. “Go Kevin! You can do this! Get that fish…come on man!” I swear all I was missing were the stupid pom poms. 

With one final tug he pulled the line from the water and a huge fish, I mean GIGANTIC fish was on the end. This fish was so big that I think it could probably eat Howie, although even a minnow could do that, Howie is so tiny. 

“Grab him while I take the line out.” He said, but before I could think about it, he plopped Gigantor into my hands. The thing was Sumo wrestling me, I swear it was. I almost dropped it twice by the time Kevin got that bait out of the thing’s mouth. I dropped him in the pail Kevin brought along and he just about damn near took up the whole thing. 

“Holy Shit Kev…what the hell kind of fish is that?”

“I think it’s a trout.” 

“They should come with labels on them, don’t you think?”

He laughed at me, “I wish.” 

“Don’t forget to kiss it.” 

“I’m afraid it might try to kiss me back.”

“I understand that, wow that fish must have been the bully who tries to steal everyone’s lunch money. I bet you are the new hero here!” I pat his back as I imagined a fish world where Kevin Richardson was king. 

“There’s a ton of them now!” He said as I quickly tossed my line out into the water. Within minutes I was pulling up fish of my own. 

By the end of our fishing excursion between us both we had over a dozen fish. None of them as big as Gigantor which is a good thing because of the ten trillion mile walk we had back to our tent, but still all big enough to eat and be merry even. 

“Well little man, I think we had ourselves a pretty productive day, don’t you think?” 

I nodded at him. “I have never caught this many fish in my life.” 

“Same here.” He said as he looked out at the water and fell silent again. I was trying to read his mind. My guess is it was time to call his family. 

“Hey Kevin…” 

He glanced over at me as he took his feet out of the water. I guess it was about time for us to leave. “Yeah?”

“Do you call Mason your little man?” I’m not sure why I asked that. Maybe because I felt like my time as the little man was all but over. Now it just seems odd when he calls me that considering I’m so close to being 30. 

He stood up and gave me his hand, “No, that’s our thing!” He said winking at me. 

Cool! We have two things!! 

“Now grab the bucket of fish and let’s go. I’m starving!” 

Great! I knew I was going to get stuck carrying the fish! Pfft! 


	7. Chapter 7

**If I had to sum up Friendship in one word, it would be Comfort. ~Adabella Radici**

**~ 7 ~**

**The Salmon Fiasco**

I watched and tried my hardest not to laugh as Nick attempted to scale the fish we had caught. He told me that he would be in charge of making us a nice fish dinner for supper and not to worry my pretty little head over it. I should go call Kris and talk to her and my son while he got the fish ready. “Go do what you gotta do and leave me here with these guys,” he said to me as he literally shoved me towards a tree to call my wife. Why a tree? It’s Nick. Why anything?

So, I did what I was told to do. I called my wife, talked to my son and found myself homesick for a few minutes. Kris didn’t believe me when I told her how many fish we ended up catching especially the big one Nick affectionately named Gigantor. I am glad I took a picture of that one with my phone. I promptly sent it to her with an ‘I told you so’ as the text message. 

I also called to check up on Howie. He seemed to be in good spirits. He said he was happy to hear about our camping trip and that next time he’d like to come. Maybe we could use an RV because now apparently he’s an old pro when it comes to driving them around.

Nick was right, he did sound very calm but he was a little more morose during our conversation. I think out of everyone, Howie isn’t afraid to let his guard down in front of me. It’s always been like that for the both of us. Either way, he sounded like he was coping well and I was happy to hear that. I promised him that I would keep him informed on our little trip and that I would let him know if AJ and or Nick managed to get lost or injured. His bet was on AJ but I still had my money on the youngest one. 

“You sure you don’t need help?” I decided to ask when Nick let out his third “Fucking fish” in a matter of a few minutes. 

“I’m good.”

I laughed and pointed to his cheek, “You have some fish guts right there.” I said, once again trying not to laugh. 

He wiped them off with a disgusted look on his face, “Thanks.” He said and smiled at me.

“I can really do that if you want.”

“Kevin, I said I could handle it!” 

“That was over an hour ago.” I really was trying to just let him be, but I was starving and by the looks of it, he had only managed to scale one fish. 

He gave me a defeated look and handed me the fish, “I give up! God I am so hopeless! What will I do if I’m ever trapped out here in the woods all alone?”

“Let’s hope that never happens.” I looked at the fish and tossed it aside, “We’ll have to get rid of this one. There’s nothing left to eat.”

“Luckily we caught a ton of them.” Nick said as he took the fish he had massacred and threw it into the woods for some lucky raccoon to feast on later. “Let’s not mention this part to AJ and Brian or I’ll never hear the end of it.”

“Don’t worry your secret is safe with me as long as you don’t do anything to piss me off.”

“That’s not going to be an easy thing to do.”

“Don’t sell yourself short. You haven’t really done anything to piss me off in a very long time.”

“What was the last thing I did to make you really mad?” He asked me. I knew that question was coming. I had to think back a long ways to come up with an answer. 

“The salmon.” Ironically enough, I realized it was a fish incident that had me almost killing him. 

He instantly nodded in recognition, “Ah yes,” He said “I almost forgot about that.”

I’m not exactly sure how he could forget about the salmon fiasco because it was the one time in my life I was almost arrested for battery. I can’t even remember a time when I had lost control as badly as I did that night in Sweden.

We were on the Never Gone tour in Stockholm and it was one of those more stressful legs where we were all rush rush rush. None of us had gotten much sleep and were ready to bite each other’s heads off. The odd thing was, while everyone was in a sour mood, Nickolas was bright and cheery. 

We had a busy day of interviews even though we had the day off of actually performing. I wanted nothing more than to just sleep the day away. I felt cold number 875 coming on and I wanted to be able to beat it, but no, our management had other ideas. So, we were all forced to bond over dinner. 

I know I’m making it sound like we hated being in the same room together when we weren’t on stage. It really wasn’t like that, but just like every job in the world, there comes a time when you need to take a break from your coworkers. No matter how much you love them. 

I remember all of us sitting at a long table not saying one word to each other. I kept coughing and so did Howie. Brian must have looked at his watch every five minutes and AJ sat twiddling his thumbs. Nick however sat there with a huge grin on his face, whistling as if he didn’t have a care in the world. This was the one freakish time where he was healthy as could be and everyone else was sick. Normally, it was the other way around. “What’s everyone ordering?” He asked when the room was too silent for his liking. 

“I’m not really even hungry. I think I’m just getting soup.” I answered him. The thought of eating made my stomach do flip flops.

“Soup? That’s so boring Kevin!” 

“I’m not hungry.” 

“But even still…I think I’m going to get the salmon.” 

“You hate salmon.” Brian said as he once again glanced at his watch. I wanted to take it off of him and throw it in the Koi pond that ran through the place. Yes, that’s the kind of mood I was in.

“I love salmon.” He argued. 

“No, you don’t. You said it was the most disgusting thing you have ever had in your life.” I added, because I remembered the ruckus he caused after ordering it all those years ago. 

“I think you’re all on crack.” He laughed when he said it, rolling his eyes. 

“Whatever.” My cousin was smart. He decided that arguing with the kid was pointless. I on the other hand, wasn’t quite that much of a genius. 

Let’s just say that by the time I was done arguing with Nickolas Gene Carter, I had actually stood up, grabbed him by the collar and was shaking the boy, saying something like “You hate salmon God dammit!” AJ and Howie had to pry me off of him and what made it worse was the boy was giggling the entire time. He thought it was the funniest thing ever, until we were asked to leave or else the police were going to be called. How that ended up not being all over the local newspaper is anyone’s guess, especially since the restaurant was pretty packed. 

I don’t think any of us ate that night and I swear that the word salmon wasn’t uttered by anyone for the rest of the tour. 

“I still think I do like salmon.” He said, giving me a shit eating grin. 

“I tell you what; you can eat all the salmon you want when if you catch it!” 

“Does that mean we’re going fishing again?” He asked with a hopeful smile on his face.

“No, it does not.” I answered quickly, just to shatter his dreams. 

“That’s okay, because fishing is our thing anyway! We wouldn’t want AJ or Brian getting in the way of OUR thing now, would we?” I had to laugh at him. He was so much like a little kid sometimes. I knew telling him that fishing was our thing was going to make his day. “Kevin, how on earth did you do that so fast?” He pointed to the second fish I had managed to scale during our salmon conversation. 

“Just practice I guess.” Truth is, I had this fishing thing down to a science. He had no idea how often I went fishing. I managed to even teach Kris how to do this as well. She could probably fish us all under the table. Wow, what an oddly placed metaphor.

“Do you suck at anything, Jesus… sometimes it’s just annoying!” 

I love that he puts me up on a pedestal. It used to bug me when I was younger but now I just enjoy it. 

“You are good at your fair share of things too you know.”

“Pfft! Yeah right… like what, farting America the Beautiful?” 

I gave him a look, “Yeah…like that for instance.”

He rolled his eyes at me as he cracked open a bottle of beer. “Kevin we know I suck at life.”

“No you don’t. Look at all the weight you’ve lost, how much have you lost anyway?” 

“I’m not sure, about 60 pounds maybe?” 

I hadn’t noticed how much weight he had lost until we went fishing. His pants which were usually so tight I thought they would bust at the seams, were actually falling off his ass. I have to admit that I was a little worried about his method of weight loss. I mean I think it’s great he’s lost all the weight he has as long as it was done in a healthy manner. I know…I know…you can’t win with me. One minute I’m calling the boy a pork chop and the next I’m worrying he’s not eating enough. 

“How did you do it?”

“I stopped eating bad foods and starting exercising and drinking wheat grass and algae.”

“Excuse me?”

“It’s good stuff, have you tried it?” 

“Wheat grass yes, algae, not so much.”

“And you call yourself a nature freak?” 

“I have never called myself a nature freak.”

“Okay, well then I’ve called you a nature freak but not anymore. Not unless you jump in the lake and lick some algae off of some rocks at the bottom!”

I shook my head at him, “All done.” I said when my last fish was scaled and ready to be cooked. 

“Wow Kevin, that was really quick.”

“I say we get these babies on the fire, unless of course you just want to go find some algae to lick.” 

“You know the guys tease me about that too!” 

“Well I am still one of the guys.” 

“Are we going to be eating all of those tonight?” He asked when he saw the huge pile of fish. 

“No, we aren’t. We’ll make two of them tonight and pack the rest of them in ice for tomorrow when AJ and Brian get here.”

“You didn’t gut Gigantor.” He said while pointing at the large fish. 

“No, he’s staying in one piece so I can say I caught this bad ass huge fish!” 

“Just don’t be a stereotypical fisherman and shellac him to your wall.”

I had every intention of doing just that, thank you very much, “Please, I would never do that.” I lied. One white lie will not kill me. He gave me that look that told me he knew I was full of shit. 

I have to say our dinner was very good. I let him cook the fish over the fire while I prepared some rice. We even had dessert. “I love astronaut ice cream! It reminds me of being a kid.” He said when he popped opened the packet. 

“Me too.”

“Do you think astronauts really eat this stuff?”

“Probably not.”

“Well, their loss then!” He took a huge bite out of the strawberry line of fake ice cream and then wiped his mouth with his sleeve. “I had a lot of fun today.” 

I looked over at him and nodded, “I did too…can I tell you something?” 

His eyes widened and he smiled, “Ooh is this going to be some kind of confession?”

“Not really…well kind of maybe?”

“Then confess away…” 

“I’m kind of nervous about tomorrow.” And I really was. I’ve seen all the guys at least once since I left the group but never all together like we will be for the next two days. I wasn’t sure how I would feel about that or if it would be awkward or not. I didn’t want it to be. I wanted it to feel natural. 

“Why?”

“Because it’ll be weird having us all together again.”

“I hear ya, but I don’t think you’ll have to worry. I bet it’ll be just like old times.” 

“That’s what I’m hoping.”

“And if it’s not, then we’ll leave them and go fishing.” 

I laughed at him and then remembered I had a gift I wanted to give to him before the other guys got here. I stood up and went over to our tent, reaching into my backpack I grabbed out a book. When I came back outside, Nick had broken into his second packet of astronaut ice cream. “I was still hungry and even though I lick algae off of rocks, I still can appreciate the finer things in life.” He confessed as he shrugged at me. 

I sat down beside him and tousled his hair. I’m pretty sure I’m the only person that is allowed to do that to him anymore. “I have something I want to give to you.” I said handing him the book. I have been wanting to give this to him for a long time but I always put it off because honestly, I didn’t think he’d bother even opening it up. Most likely it would have ended up thrown away or given to someone else. 

He turned it in his hands and read the back cover. “A family friend gave that book to me shortly after my dad died. I was lost and had absolutely no direction in my life until I read that book.”

He didn’t say anything but turned it over to look at the cover, I decided to continue because I didn’t want him to feel like I thought he was directionless. “I’m not saying that’s where you are in your life. I just think it’ll help you think a little more positively. I mean you seem a lot happier Nick, but this will help you try to look on the bright side of life.” 

“Why Some Positive Thinkers Get Powerful Results by Norman Vincent Peale,” he said reading the title. “Thanks Kevin.”

“You’re welcome. Maybe it’ll help you not be so down on yourself all the time. I hope you really read it.”

He nodded and placed the book at his side, “I will.”

“While we’re alone I just wanted to say again how very proud of you I am Nick. Seriously, you’ve grown up so much within the last two years.” I felt inspired to suddenly pull the boy in for a hug to which he gladly accepted kissing me gently on the cheek. 

“Thanks Kevin, it really means a lot and so does this,” He said pointing at the book. 

I grabbed some marshmallows out of the pack of goodies and handed him a stick, “Who wants some roasted marshmallows?” I asked as if there were a ton of us sitting by the fire. 

“Oh I do! I do!” He said grabbing a marshmallow and sticking one in his mouth and smiling at me while it oozed. 

“Maybe I should take the grown up remark back!” 

He stuffed another marshmallow in his mouth, making it harder for him to speak. “Soully, no tagbags!” he cracked himself up and both marshmallows came flying out of his mouth landing on the book I just gave him. “Sorry, hehe.” 

I shook my head and tried not to smile. 


	8. Chapter 8

**A true friend is one who thinks you are a good egg even if you are half-cracked. ~Author Unknown**

**~ 8 ~**

**Because He’s Kevin**

“Why are we doing this again?” I asked Brian as we made our way up the never ending trail to this campsite where supposedly Nick and Kevin were waiting for us. 

“Because Kevin thought it was a good idea to bond with nature.”

“And we didn’t veto him because?”

Brian turned around and stopped walking, “Because he’s Kevin.” 

I know that shouldn’t have been a valid argument but believe it or not, to us it was. It wasn’t the first time the answer ‘because he’s Kevin’ has been used. There have been many many MANY situations in which Kevin made all the big decisions whether we agreed with them or not. So, after Brian said that, I just kind of shrugged. “Okay, but if I get a hole in these shoes he’s paying for a new pair.”

“I told you to wear sneakers you doofus!” Brian laughed at me. Apparently flip flop sandals aren’t the most practical of shoes when it comes to little adventures such as this one. 

“I love these. They have baby skulls on the bottom, see?” I picked up my foot to show Rok my skulls but he didn’t seem very impressed. 

“Did you bring any other shoes?” He asked me as he once again turned around and continued to walk.

“I might have brought another pair of sandals.”

“You do realize that my cousin is going to have us probably hiking all over the place, right?”

“What? Why would he do that?”

“Because he’s Kevin!” 

“Damn him! Maybe I can buy a pair of sneakers or something.”

Once again Rok turned around to face me. I think he was getting tired, but knowing how stubborn Brian was he’d never admit it. “And who would you buy these sneakers from? A gopher? Maybe a bear?” 

“I think my feet are too small for a bear. Maybe like a moose or something.” 

“A moose?” 

“Yeah.”

He laughed and shook his head, “Sometimes I worry about you Bone.” 

“Only sometimes?”

Brian sat down on his huge ass backpack. “Looks like you might need a rest.” See? I knew he was getting tired, using me as an excuse to sit and relax a few minutes. 

I sat down on a boulder and started to unbuckle one of my sandals, “I think I may have the Grand Canyon in this shoe!” I said as I dumped out a few pebbles. 

“I don’t think it’s that much farther now.” He said as he watched me empty all the rocks from my shoes and boy there were a lot of them! Pebbles came friggin out of there like there was some kind of avalanche, my poor feet. 

“This was kind of random, don’t you think?” I asked as I began to rub at my poor hurting feet.

“What was?”

“Kevin inviting us up here for the weekend.”

“I just think he knew we had the time off and figured we’d have nothing better to do.”

“Do you think he was afraid he’d kill Carter if he was left alone with him for 4 days?” 

Brian laughed at me but I thought it was a pretty valid question considering some of the knock down drag out fights those two have had in the past. “Their relationship has changed over the years. I’m sure they are getting along just fine.” 

I nodded. As much as I hate having to admit this, Nick has grown up in the last two years or so. I was kind of jealous when I heard Nick was invited out to Kevin’s place. The two of us have always had a weird ‘Kevin likes me more than you,’ competition going on. Sometimes I won, especially after I sobered myself up, but most times he won. When he was little he liked to throw it up in my face, “Hey AJ…Kevin wanted to play a game of basketball with me.” Or “Hey AJ, Kevin invited me back to his bus to watch a football game.” Whatever dude, I stole your Frick so it’s all good. 

“Why are you smiling?” I glanced over at Brian. He looked amused once again.

“Huh?”

“You have a smile on your face.”

“No reason…oh dude, guess who called me out of the blue yesterday.”

“Who?”

“Kaci.” 

“Really? How did that go?” Brian’s eyes got really wide when I said her name. He was never a fan of our little relationship even though he never admitted it to me. He was quick to let everyone else know he thought it was wrong of me to date someone so young. Age is just a state of mind as far as I’m concerned though and since her mother didn’t mind then why would I? 

I never understood why everyone got so bent out of shape when we started dating. I mean some of the names I was called was just ridiculous. It’s not like she was a child. She was a teenager, old enough to make up her mind and it’s not like I forced her into anything. She’s the one that pursued me. It took me a long time before I acted on it, believe me. The relationship wasn’t something I just jumped into. I did a lot of hardcore thinking about it before we went on our first date. 

Brian and Kevin were the only ones in the group that seemed to really disapprove of the relationship. Nick and Howie felt like as long as I was happy, so were they. My mother liked Kaci as well. The fans, now that is a different story. I got so much crap from our fans when I started to date Kaci. I am still baffled by it, was it jealousy? Did any of these people think they would have had a shot with me if I hadn’t started dating her? Or was it really the age difference they had a problem with? 

In the end it was too much for her to deal with. She broke up with me because of all the horrible things our fans were saying about her. I can’t really blame her and I have to say I lost respect for a lot of my fans after that. Tell me my voice sounds horrible, or that you have a problem with the last album but when it comes to me and my personal life, just stay out of it! 

“She acted as if no time had gone by at all and that we had just spoken the day before.”

“When was the last time you spoke with her?”

“It’s been almost a year I think. I saw her and Aaron at a party together.”

Yeah, and then she starts dating Nick’s little brother…awkward much? Nothing like trying to disprove you are a child molester when your youngest band mate’s younger brother starts dating your ex. 

“What did she want?” 

“She just wanted to call and see how things were I guess.”

“Is she still dating Aaron?”

“I have no clue and I could care less.” 

“Yeah, I’m sure you could care less.” He gave me one of his sarcastic smiles. I really could care less though. After we broke up I admit I was devastated. I wasn’t expecting it because she seemed to be taking all the pressure well. Out of the blue she texts me and tells me that we need to talk and that was that. Less then a month later she was with Aaron… stupid punk ass kid. 

I almost had a drink after that…almost. I came this close to losing all I had worked for. It was this guy right here sitting across from me that helped me to see she wasn’t worth it. I had the common sense to go see Brian right before I opened that can of beer. He talked me through my crisis and helped me to see that I was better than that can of beer. In the end we opened it and dumped it in the toilet. 

“Enough about me… how are things with you?” I asked, finally putting my sandals back on but not ready to get my ass moving quite yet. 

He shrugged at me, “Good I guess. I have nothing going on really.”

“How’s the fam?”

“You just saw them Bone.”

“I know, but still…” I love Brian’s family but I have said this many times before so we won’t go there again.

“They’re good. Baylee didn’t understand why I was going on a camping trip without him.” 

“You should have brought him along.”

“I thought about it but then decided against it.”

“I’m sure no one would have minded.”

“I have no idea what to expect up there, so it’s best to just leave him home.”

“When you say things like that, you scare me Rok. What do you think is happening up there? Nick doing a naked tribal dance?”

Brian laughed at me and then got up. Damn…I guess it’s time to move again. “Let’s hope not. I’m not sure I’m ready to see that.”

“Right, like we haven’t seen that already.” I stood up and gave my feet one final shake. You know, I have to make more room in there for the next boulder colony to move in. 

“Rok, do you mind if I ask you a personal question?”

“Wow, I can’t believe you’re actually asking for permission. Since when does that happen?”

“Because it’s about the wife.” 

“For the last time Boner, I’m not telling you her bra size!”

I laughed at him, “No, not about her boobs this time, I promise.”

“Then what about?”

“The fans and all the pressure they put on a relationship. You know the fans hated Kaci and that’s one of the reasons we broke up. I was just wondering how your wife deals with it. I mean I know how she deals with fans, I have seen her with fans a gazillion times but what about the ones who don’t like her?”

It’s no big secret that Leighanne is not very popular with many fans out there. I’m not sure why honestly. I mean she can be moody sometimes and a little bitchy but isn’t that all girls? Hell I know a fair share of guys, myself included, who are the bitchiest bitches of them all. 

He slowed his pace slightly so that instead of me following him, we were right beside each other. I’m telling you, he was getting tired of all the walking as well. “She doesn’t really talk about it all that much. She just says things like they are so ungrateful after all the things we do for them like the charity events. They’ll go home from those things and then say she was horrible. I’m sure it hurts. I know it bothers me, but what can you do? It goes with the territory I guess.”

“It’s hard for them, you know, the ladies in our lives.”

“Yup, but if they love us, they know. I mean it’s annoying sure but at the end of the day those fans are the ones that have given us pretty much everything we have and no matter how hard you try, not everyone is going to like you. That is a valuable lesson in life my young, friend.”

“Yes, oh thank you wise one.” 

“Anytime.” 

We made our way up a steep incline where we were able to see the first sign of life. “I hope that is their tent!” 

“I doubt it. Kevin would never set up his tent this close to the main trek.” 

“And why wouldn’t he do that?” 

Brian looked over at me and smiled. We both laughed and said it at the same time, “Because he’s Kevin.” 

“If it makes you feel any better,” He started, “I wouldn’t set up camp this close either.”

“How is this close to anything?” 

“When you think about it AJ, the closer you set up to this main path, the more people you have a chance to run into as they pass by. That can suck the fun right out of the experience, especially if you’re recognized.” 

“If it was up to me, I would have set up right under the main sign.”

“I know. That is why we are glad it wasn’t up to you.”

“I’m sure Nick would have been glad.”

“Probably, but think of it this way, it’s a long hike but then everything else is pretty much close once we get there. If we camped right here, it would have been a short hike but to get to everything else would have been a chore.”

“This was NOT a short hike.”

“You crack me up AJ.”

“Thanks…I’ll be here all week folks, well for at least the next two days as long as I’m not eaten by a bear or anything fun like that.” 

“If you get eaten by a bear, I’ll laugh my ass off!” 

“Did you hear that? The Christian singer wants me to be eaten by a bear! Very nice Rok…I’m so disappointed in you.”

He laughed at me while we continued our never ending excursion into the deep woods. I wish I had those Gellin’ like Magellin’ things for my shoes, but then you wouldn’t be able to see those cool skulls! 


	9. Chapter 9

**We are keenly aware of the faults of our friends, but if they like us enough it doesn't matter. ~Mignon McLaughlin, _The Neurotic's Notebook_ , 1960**

**~ 9 ~**

**Caught between A – Rok, is a Hard Place**

I slept really well last night. Maybe because my belly was full of great fish which I caught and cooked, kind of… or maybe Kevin’s plan of wearing me so ragged all I would want to do was sleep was working. Whatever the case, I opened my eyes and stretched feeling well rested but a little anxious.

I don’t know why I was nervous about AJ and Brian’s arrival. It’s not like I haven’t spent the last 24/7 of my life with them or anything. I mean I can tell you what color AJ’s farts are…metallic green. 

It was probably more to the fact that we haven’t been together with Kevin in such a long time that I was almost going to be embarrassed by how left out I felt with the two of them together. 

It has gotten easier for me, seeing AJ and Brian grow so close over the years. It’s not like it’s something that suddenly happened. Those two have always enjoyed each others company, but over the years Brian started gravitating more towards Bone than me. They found out they had more in common, especially after AJ went all sober and I was this young partying animal and I really was, so it made sense that Brian kind of back stepped away from me. 

To say it didn’t bother me at all would be a lie. I secretly resented AJ for it for a little while at least. I know it bothers the fans more than it bothers me though. Sometimes I’d crack up at some of the nonsensical things they would say on the message boards I lurked at. They seemed to greatly resent Brian for being so arrogant that he would dump me in my time of need to hang out with AJ. I had to admit that I kind of enjoyed reading things like that. It’s nice to know that no matter what, some of my fans have my back. I can always sic them on people who annoy me. 

I’ve gotten used to AJ and Brian always hanging out together. It’s not like they ignore me or anything. Brian and I still do things, especially this tour we have bonded a little more. AJ and I hang out together as well, but you will seldom if ever see just the three of us hanging out because that’s when it gets uncomfortable. They make me feel like a third wheel, which brings me back to my apprehension about today. Even though Kevin is here I’m afraid I’ll still feel like that, especially if Kevin starts to faun all over AJ. That makes me really jealous for some reason. 

Dude, we know how hard it was for you to get yourself sober and we know how hard your life has been without your father and the deaths in your family, but we have all gone through that crap. I don’t know why everyone feels the need to coddle AJ, but it does bother me. Not that I would EVER admit that to anyone. Yes, I coddle AJ too and pat his back proudly when he counts down the minutes and seconds he has been sober, but sometimes I want to just smack the back of his head and say “Enough!” already. 

Does that make a bad person? Probably not, I’m sure everyone tends to feel like that from time to time. I’m just afraid that one day he’s going to piss me off and I will end up telling him exactly what I just said because when I’m mad my mouth stops listening to my brain. 

“Hold your hands out.” Kevin said to me as he plopped down beside me and poured berries into my palms.

“Where did these come from?” 

“The woods.”

“Are you sure they are okay to eat?”

“Nick, they’re blackberries.”

“Are you sure, I mean didn’t you see Into the Wild? We don’t want to turn out like that poor guy.”

“That was a great movie.” He answered as he took his own handful of berries and popped them into his mouth. 

“I guess… if you enjoy watching someone slowly starve to death alone in the woods.” 

“Eat your berries!” He yelled at me. He totally turned into a grandpa with his berries. So, I put a few into my mouth and grimaced at the tartness of them. The truth is I enjoy berries but only if they have a ton of sugar on them. You know the ‘would you like some berries with your sugar?’ thing? That would be me. 

“These are pretty sour.” 

“Put some sugar and milk on them. They make a great breakfast.” He grabbed a cup and poured himself some milk.

“How long have you been up that you’ve had time to go berry picking in the woods?” I decided to just mimic the things he was doing. I grabbed my own cup and filled it with milk. When he saw me do this, he poured more berries from his pocket into my cup and handed me some sugar packets before doing the same. “I hope that pocket is clean!” 

He laughed at that. “Of course it is and I had a hard time sleeping. This guy I’m sharing a tent with snores and talks in his sleep.”

“I do not know of this person you speak of.”

“Uh huh.”

“But did this person say anything interesting last night?” Okay so I talk in my sleep. I’ve done it for most of my life. When I was really little, I used to sleep walk but luckily that stopped around the time I hit puberty. The talking has gotten worse though, or so I’m told, especially when I’m nervous about something. The day before Unbreakable was released supposedly I kept randomly saying “Tell Eliza that the poodle needs to be fed before we go bowling.” I have no idea who Eliza is or what the hell bowling and poodles had to do with anything and I’ll leave it to your imagination as to who overheard me saying those things.

He smiled, “I’m not sure you want to know.”

“Come on, it can’t be that bad.”

“You sat straight up and asked me if I’ve ever had sex with a midget.”

“What?” I giggled, because how could you not?

“You did, I swear to God.”

“What did you say?”

“I said why do you want to know? And you said because you thought it would be an adventure. Then you laid back down and closed your eyes.”

“Are you shitting me?”

“No, I’m telling you the truth.”

“So…have you ever had sex with a midget Kevin?”

“Eat!” Fine, I’ll take that as a yes then. “So, what’s bothering you?” he asked me after a few slurps of his milky berries. Eww that sounded gross. 

I looked up from my cup of berries minus the milky part, “What do you mean?” 

“You talk in your sleep when something is bothering you. So, what’s bothering you?” Damn, it’s not fair how well he knows me. 

“Nothing.”

“Liar.”

“Can’t a guy just randomly talk in his sleep without there being some kind of problem?”

“Yup, but not you, so spill it. What’s wrong?”

“I’m just a little nervous about Brian and AJ coming, that’s all.” 

He nodded as if he knew I was going to say that. “Are you upset I invited them?”

“No, not at all…it’s just…dumb.”

“How many times do I have to say this to you Nickolas. If something is bothering you, it’s never dumb.”

“I’m just afraid I’ll feel left out…you know, like how we talked about our first night here.”

“Oh…I won’t let that happen.”

“That would make it even worse if you had to say, ‘now kids don’t forget to include Nick.’ I’d really feel like a loser then.”

He laughed at me, “You are too much. I wish you’d stop underestimating the people who love you.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“I mean Brian and AJ both love you Nick.”

“I never said they didn’t. I just think they love each other more.” Good lord can we sound anymore gay? I mean seriously! No one would believe the conversations we have. “It’s no big deal. I kind of miss them both anyway.”

“I do too. I wish Howie was going to be here.”

“That would have been fun. I would have played so many pranks on D. He would’ve killed me.”

“So, tell me what life is like without me to bug you guys.”

“I told you, it’s a weird thing but it’s also fun.” Whenever he started asking me questions about the tour I’d always get a little excited. Maybe seeing the three of us for this little break would make him realize how much he missed things and then BAM the next thing you know, we are back to five members. How awesome would that be? Oh my God, the fans would go berserk! 

“Are you still enjoying yourselves though?”

I thought about it for a second and then nodded, “Yes, I think we really are. I know I am. I mean every tour has its moments. You know that better than anyone, but this one has been a lot of fun with not that much stress.”

“Do you think it’s because of me?”

“Do I think what’s because of you?”

“The lack of stress.” 

Uh oh…this question is very similar in nature to those girls who out of the blue ask if they look fat in a particular outfit. I hated when he threw things out at me like that. Leave these questions for your cousin to answer Kevin. 

“No, I don’t think it’s solely because of you, but to be honest it might have a little to do with things.” 

“Are you guys still getting where you need to be all the time without me nagging at you?”

“Yeah we are.”

He nodded at me as he finished up his berries. I hope I didn’t hurt his feelings. “You know Kevin, we miss you a lot. Maybe not the nagging parts or the screaming and yelling at Nick all the time parts, but everything else.” 

“The yelling and screaming at Nick parts?” He gave me his look as if he didn’t know what on earth I could possibly be talking about. 

“Yeah, don’t tell me you have no idea what I’m talking about.”

“I miss those parts!” He smiled at me. 

“Well, you can always use a Nick doll and yell at it if you’d like.”

“I use the Bobble head Lance doll you gave me for my birthday.”

“That works.”

I dumped the rest of my ‘breakfast’ onto the ground because contrary to what Kevin said, the milk and the sugar didn’t really help with the sourness of the berries. “Well, look who’s coming around the bend.” Kevin said as he got up and brushed some dirt off of his pants. I didn’t even have to look because I heard instead. Brian was singing a random song and then midway through he screamed “KEVIN!” when he saw his cousin. 

Kevin went running down the hill to meet up with AJ and Brian as I slowly got myself to my feet and stretched. Now the real fun will begin I guess. After exchanging hugs and grabbing one of the packs that the guys were carrying they all made their way towards me. 

“Way to come and greet us Nick.” AJ said as he grabbed me into a hug.

“Sorry, I’m slow moving today.”

Hey there buddy!” Brian smiled at me and pat me on the back. He looked really happy to be here which made me happy for some reason.

“My friggin feet are killing me. Couldn’t you find a more accessible camp Kev?” AJ sat down and took off his sandals. 

“Shit Bone, your feet smell like dead ass!” And they really did, good lord I thought my feet stunk. I am pretty sure he took out half the animals in the forest when those shoes came off. 

Of course I shouldn’t have said that because within half a second the next thing I knew his feet were planted close to my face. “You love my smelly ass feet!” He said as he laughed. “If this hike wasn’t so damn long, my feet wouldn’t be that smelly.” 

“This is as accessible as we want to get, unless you want to spend your time taking pictures and signing autographs. Trust me, I know. I’ve been to several camp grounds around here and this one is the best.” Kevin answered, after AJ was done whining about his feet. 

“That’s what I told him, see Bone? I’m always right.” 

“Uh huh, sure you are Rok…you just keep telling yourself that.”

“I will!” 

“What the fuck is this? Did one of you throw up or something?” He looked disgusted as he quickly stood up and moved away from my ‘breakfast’. 

“Oh, that’s the remains of my milky berries.” 

“Do I want to know what the hell you’re talking about?” 

“Probably not.” 

He decided to sit farther away from me at that point which was fine since he smelled so bad. I’m telling you…just wow! Brian came and sat beside me and wrapped me in a huge hug which caught me off guard. “How’s my Fracky?” He was acting like a guy who didn’t get out very much, which for the record is the truth. 

“Good, how are things with you?” 

“Yippety skippety, has my cousin been running you ragged?” He whispered to me as Kevin and AJ were having a conversation in the background.

“Not too bad. We went fishing yesterday. I caught like a billion fish!” 

He smiled at me and tousled my hair. “Good for you Nick!” 

Suddenly all those feelings I had earlier this morning went away. I felt incredibly comfortable and happy to have them here. I knew that would happen. It always did. 

“So, has Eliza fed your poodle Nick?” Okay so it wasn’t some hot girl who overheard that. It was AJ who thinks he’s a girl so does that count? And he won’t ever let me live that down. 

Brian laughed and Kevin just looked confused, yup, seems like everything is back to normal!


	10. Chapter 10

**\----------------------------------**

**True friends stab you in the _front_. ~Oscar Wilde**

**~ 10 ~**

**Friendly Fire**

We all sat around the campfire as Brian and AJ told us about their adventures getting up to the actual site. I tried not to make that many smart ass remarks and I literally had to stop myself from commenting on AJ’s choice of shoes as he continued to rub at his already blistered feet. This was going to be fun. What on earth did he expect to accomplish on a camping trip wearing those things? But even still, I was really happy to see them both. They looked happy enough and refreshed which is more than they usually looked during a tour. 

My cousin seemed extra happy to be out here in the fresh air and I have to say I was pleasantly surprised by that. I was almost certain this would turn into two days of him whining about not being around his family. 

My eyes went to Nick every so often as AJ and Brian went on about how life was now that they were on this short break. It seemed like they have seen a lot of each other and I immediately saw what Nick was talking about. It’s not like they were leaving him out the way you would leave out the fat kid who tagged along in grammar school, but it was more of a ‘we are so close we finish each other’s sentences now,’ type of thing. 

Nick didn’t look upset or annoyed at all, but he tends to put on a different face when he’s with the other guys. Brian did go sit beside him though and during AJ’s ramblings they were whispering things to each other. 

“So what’s new with you Kev?” 

I looked up at AJ and noticed they were all staring at me. “Not too much, just enjoying being a daddy and having time to live my life.”

“How is the little whipper snapper?” 

“Whipper snapper?”

“Yeah, don’t tell me you have never heard that before Kevin, I’d be so disappointed in you.”

“Of course I’ve heard of that way back in the 30’s when they used it.”

“Yeah Bone, welcome to 2008.” Brian added which drew a high five from Nick. 

“Whatever dudes…so how is Mason?” 

“He’s really good.” I smiled, I couldn’t help it. Just thinking about my son makes me one of the happiest people on earth. I don’t even care how corny that might sound. 

“Did you bring any pictures?” 

“Of course I did…hang on, let me go grab my wallet.” He laughed at me as I darted up from the ground to run into the tent.

“Don’t run too fast…we don’t want you to break a hip or anything!” Nick yelled after me. Nice…

I went to my wallet which was a treasure trove of pictures of my family. There was one of Kris holding Mason as he left the hospital. My mother was standing behind her as she was wheeled out the door and towards the car. I remember being terrified as we drove all the way home. I think I only went 10 miles an hour. 

Another picture had Mason laying on our bed next to a huge pink stuffed rabbit that Howie bought for my son. It was enormous in comparison to the baby who was looking towards it with his big wondering eyes. 

My favorite picture by far was the one of me holding him. His cheek was pressed against mine. I can still smell him as his warm flesh connected with my scruffy skin. Kris laughed because I got all teary eyed at the time. I couldn’t help it though, the love I felt for him was overwhelming me. He smiled and reached for my nose just as the picture was taken. 

I decided to grab all three and made my way back out to the guys who were laughing about something random. “It took you long enough.” Nick said as he winked at me. It was so funny to see the difference in his attitude when he was with everyone else versus when he was just with me. 

“I couldn’t find them.” I lied as I handed them over to AJ. 

“Man, this kid is adorable! Nice rabbit.”

“Howie gave it to him.”

“He has your bushy brows cousin.” Brian added. They always have to bring up my eyebrows. 

“He wouldn’t be mine if he didn’t.” and I refuse to ever act annoyed by it. 

“You look so happy in those pics Kevin. It makes me vah klempt.” I smiled at AJ because I knew it was true. He’s almost as wussy as I am when it comes to stuff like this. He longs for a child just as much as I did. I hope one day in the not so distant future, that dream will come true for him.

“Baylee always asks me when are we going to see his baby. It’s like he has adopted Mason as his very own.”

“Well, tell Bay he can come see Mason anytime he wants.” I admit I am disappointed that Brian hasn’t really come by much since I left the group. I mean I know he’s busy but still, it would be nice to have Mason get to know his first cousin. I’d love for them to be as close as Harold and I were when we were kids. 

“So, what’s a typical day in the life of Kevin Richardson like now that you’ve retired?” 

“I haven’t retired!” I shook my head at AJ as he laughed. The punk just said that to get a rise out of me and I bought into it. A little time away from these guys has made my armor go down. “You’re such an ass.” I added because I feel it’s important to let people know when they are idiots. 

“Yeah, I know I am and you know something else? I’m proud to be one too!” 

“And that scares me.” 

“At least I embrace my inner ass, unlike some people.” He said looking over at Brian and smiling.

“What is that supposed to mean?” My cousin asked defensively. I love when people called him out for being imperfect because sometimes I think he lives under the delusion that he does nothing wrong. I blame his wife for that though. 

“Not a thing.” AJ said shrugging. Nick had a small grin on his face as he played with a pebble in his hand. He looked like he had a river of thoughts flowing through his mind. I wish I could see what he was thinking. 

“What are you smiling about?” Brian asked him. I guess he was wondering the same thing. “Are you going to call me an ass too?”

“Rok I didn’t call you an ass.” AJ defended. 

“Right….”

“I didn’t.”

“You implied it.”

“How so?” 

Nick looked over at me with a baffled expression on his face. Like me, I think he was trying to figure out if this was a real argument or not. Sometimes it was hard to tell with Brian. I always called fights with him, friendly fire because he could call you a shit head while smiling sweetly. You never quite could figure out if he was honestly pissed off or not. 

“Nevermind.” Brian bit at his bottom lip. 

It was weird how quickly the atmosphere at camp changed. The tension I felt was amazing and seemingly out of nowhere. “Did something happen between the two of you that I am unaware of?” I asked innocently enough. I know I probably should have just let it drop but I was more intrigued than anything else. Maybe if I was with them all the time, I’d not care as much. In fact, I know if I was with them all the time I wouldn’t care as much, but things were different now. They can fight, bitch and moan all they want but at the end of the day, I could just walk away from the drama. 

“That’s what I’d like to know.” Brian said. I was beginning to see that he was indeed mad. Friendly fire at it’s best. 

“Dude, I meant nothing by what I said…seriously. I wasn’t even talking about you.”

“Who were you talking about then? Nick? Please, you were talking about me.”

“Yeah, because Lord knows Nick’s an ass. That’s no secret.” Nick said. Good for him. If he didn’t say that, I was going to. 

“I didn’t mean it like that.” Brian said. His voice was cold and harsh. He was totally in self defense mode and I knew there was something more going on. 

“Forget I said anything.” AJ said with a tinge of regret in his voice. I could tell he was thinking he just ruined our little gathering with a few simple words. 

“How did you mean it then?” But it was too late as Nick came back with that reply. 

“Huh?”

“Why did you say what you just said?” 

“Because you were here.”

“So is Kevin.”

“I just used you, I saw you first.” 

“No, you thought of me first. Admit it Brian, I mean it’s no big deal. I know you think I’m a loser.”

“What? How did this turn into a you thing?” 

I couldn’t help but wonder what the hell was going on. Weren’t we all just having a great time? Didn’t I just think to myself how great it was to have everyone back together again? What was I on, crack? 

“I didn’t turn anything into a me thing.” 

“Guys forget I even said anything, I seriously was only joking.” 

“Whatever!” Both Brian and Nick said at the same time in a very old timey Frick and Frack kind of way. They even crossed their arms in front of themselves identically which actually made them both crack up. These people are all insane. How on earth did I end up knowing these people? I am even related to one of them. 

A few seconds went by and while there was still a smile on his face, Brian said, “And just for the record Nickolas, I do not think you’re a loser.”

Nick nodded at him but his smile quickly left, “Maybe not now, but you used to.”

Brian stared at our young friend, “Never.”

“Okay, maybe not… but you used to always be disappointed in me.”

Before Brian could interrupt him, he continued on with his thoughts, “and I even understand why, I mean I was a total shipwreck. I hated me as much as everyone else in the free world used to. I was an out of control ass. I guess I would have wanted to be blurred out of my show too if I were you.”

“Not this again…” Brian muttered silently but yet not silently enough to not be heard….friendly fire.

“I’m sorry, but it bothered me.”

“I know.”

“I guess it’s because if it were anyone else, you wouldn’t have done that.” And by anyone else, he clearly meant AJ. We all knew it but no one said a word, least of all AJ himself because I think deep down inside, we all knew what Nick was saying was true. If it was AJ not only would Brian not be blurred but he would have been wearing a huge “I support AJ McLean” Tee shirt.

“If I had known it was going to bother you that much, I would have just not shown up.”

“That would have been about the same I guess, but at least maybe our fans wouldn’t have picked up on it.” 

By the way AJ was fidgeting I knew he wanted to bolt so I gave him an out. “Jay, I want to show you something cool right down the path.”

He gave me a hopeful look, “Yeah?”

“Uh huh, come on…let’s let these love birds talk.” 

Both Brian and Nick gave me an evil eye but there was a look of desperation in Nick’s. One that said “Please don’t leave me, I might need you!” but he is a big boy and he can do this on his own. It’s been coming for awhile now. 

As AJ and I started walking he stopped once we were out of their ear range, “Thanks for that.” He said as he placed his hand on my shoulder. “I don’t like it when the parents argue in front of the kids.” 

I laughed at him, “I thought you and Nick were the kids.” 

“That was before our dad abandoned us.” 

“So, now Nick is the dad?”

He grunted and smiled at the very thought of that. “No, he’s the mom.”

“I thought Howie was the mom.”

“Howie has now become aunt Bessie who comes over so much she might as well live with us.” 

“AJ, you’re a nut.”

“I know…how far are we walking? My feet still hurt from my little hiking expedition to get here, remember?”

“Relax, I just said that to get us the hell out of there.”

“Oh…liar liar pants on fire!” 

“I hope Nick tells him exactly how he feels.” I said, looking back towards our campsite and ignoring AJ and his little grammar school jeer. 

“Me too, mainly because I don’t want to have to hang out here in the bushes with you all night long.”

“You know you love it.” I winked at him. 

“Nick’s really grown up lately, you’d be proud Kev.” Way to ignore our homosexual moment AJ. 

I smiled, “I know he has. I could tell just in the last two days and I am proud of him.” I leaned against a tree and placed my hand in my pockets. I wish I had brought a jacket because the air was a little cooler than I would have liked, “So tell me, what was that all about with Brian? Did you guys have an argument or something?”

“Or something.”

“Care to elaborate?”

“You know how Brian is. It’s not an argument but more like a lecture. It was about smoking.”

“Oh.”

“We were out golfing and he started randomly talking about it. He was telling me how I shouldn’t do it.”

“You shouldn’t.” He looked at me and rolled his eyes.

“I just kind of mentioned to him that I was aware of the fact that I was prematurely killing myself and then causally said that sometimes he acts like he can do no wrong.”

“Oops.”

“Yeah, exactly.” He shifted and pulled out a cigarette as if reminding himself he had his life to cut short. “Later on to prove my point, he made a huge mistake…God Kev, you should have seen it. He used the wrong club and his ball ended up in a sand trap. It was priceless.” He took out a lighter and began to puff. 

I laughed at the image in my head. I could see Brian getting all worked up because of that. “Needless to say he lost to me and the whole time he did nothing but make excuses that he had a bad day because of this, that and the other. I told him to admit he just lost fair and square because he made a mistake but he refused. It was annoying.”

“Brian doesn’t like it when people point out his mistakes.”

“Really, you think?” AJ shook his head at me in a nonverbal, “Duh!” kind of way. 

“Anyway, I think that’s what sparked it all off before.” He took a few more puffs and then tossed his cigarette down on the ground. “I wonder if they kissed and made up yet.” 

“Let’s not start any forest fires while we’re out here, okay AJ?” I said as I went and stomped on his still kind of lit butt. 

“Oops….sorry.”

“Tell it to the grizzly bears when they need a new home.” 

“Yes Ranger Kev…should we venture back?”

I thought about this for a moment and then shook my head, “Nah, let’s go for a little walk. There’s a nice creek a half mile down that way.” 

He groaned, “A half mile?”

“AJ, that’s not that far.”

He sighed, “Okay but if I get blisters…” 

I shook my head, why did I think this was a good idea again? 


	11. Chapter 11

**A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down. ~Arnold Glasow**

**~ 11 ~**

**Blurry Brian**

I sat across from Brian in silence once AJ and Kevin left us, or should I say abandoned us. I should say that because it was the truth. They flew out of here like the forest was on fire. I hated the fact that I was uncomfortable with that. I mean, don’t get me wrong. Ninety-nine percent of the time I love my alone time with Brian, in fact I live for it. That other one percent though, that’s what sucks. That other one percent never existed before. 

“Why do you think they left like that?” He finally asked me.

“I have no clue.”

“Do we need to have a moment or something?” He laughed and smiled at me. 

“We could make out if you want.”

“Could we please? I mean I’d be the envy of all the girls!” He said in his high pitched teeny voice. It’s scary how he has perfected that over the years. 

When we were younger, he could make me laugh for hours the way he would imitate some of our fans. He’d even go so far as to make signs that said I heart you Nick or I want it Nick’s way. He’d latch onto me and just scream my name and pretend to cry and I’d end up almost peeing myself from laughing so hard. 

“Do you remember when you used to make those signs for me?” 

“Of course I do.”

I nodded at him, not even sure what to say after that. “So…” He continued as he threw a stick into the fire, “Is there something you want to talk to me about?”

“No, why would you think that?”

“Because of the way Kevin subtly looked over at you just before he made his very obvious exit.” 

“Yeah, he definitely needs to work on that.” Kevin and subtle are two words that just don’t go together. 

“Because I don’t recall us having a fight or anything before you left…”

“We didn’t. Everything is fine.”

“And as far as the old stuff…”

Oh boy…

“I thought we had that all sorted out as well?” Brian continued. 

We had a stretch of time, Brian and I that was anything but rosy. It all started when I went solo and continued right up until the taping of my show was over. ‘He’s made lots of horribly bad decisions and choices,’ is all I kept hearing from AJ, who Brian would complain to. He never once talked to me about any of it though so I’m not sure how he thinks it’s all been sorted out. I just thought it was better to leave it be. The thought of the consequences otherwise were too unbearable to think about. 

When I decided to do my reality show, I remember Brian being less than pleased. He never vocalized it, but just by watching his facial expressions and body language I could read “You are such an idiot Nick!” loud and clear. Brian had asked before I started filming for this show that he and the other guys be kept out of it. 

“It’s a show about the Carters and not about the Backstreet Boys so don’t let them take it in our direction.” He had said to me. I agreed that it was probably best but when they decided to follow me to a BSB meeting I didn’t think it would be a big deal. I mean after all I WAS a Backstreet Boy which is why anyone even cared in the first place. It was probably a good little advertisement for our fans. They would love to see that we really were working on a new album since they never really seemed to believe any of us when we said we were. 

When he saw me walk in with all those cameras, Brian threw a fit. “Stop rolling film!” He had said. 

“They can’t stop taping.”

“Well, they can stop taping me.” 

When he said that, I actually laughed. I thought it was a joke until I saw the looks on Howie and AJ’s faces. Then I knew that my little reality show and I had been a hot topic of conversation when I wasn’t around. 

“Oh…it’s not going to be a big deal Bri. They just want to film some of this meeting.” 

“I don’t care. I mean it. I don’t want to be on this show.” 

“Brian you’re always on camera, what’s the big deal?” I was agitated and a little confused as he walked out the door and slammed it shut. “What the fuck was that all about?” I asked AJ once he was gone. 

“I don’t know dude…you’d have to ask him,” was his answer. 

But, you know…I never did. Nope, at that point in my life I was what you call in ‘avoidance mode’. It was far easier to ignore what had just happened than to deal with it. I didn’t have any fight left in me to deal with Brian, so I let it go. I chalked it up to him having a bad day or something like that. 

He came back about fifteen minutes later carrying a Starbucks coffee. We finished our meeting as my crew filmed. They purposely stayed off of him except once or twice. He didn’t bother looking up for most of the time. 

“Did I do something?” I asked him just before I left the meeting. 

“No, I’m sorry…it’s been a crazy day.” His words were short and he still sounded mad, but once again I dropped it. 

I nodded at him, “Okay…just checking.” 

And that was that. I had to leave that meeting early because of another meeting I had with Aaron. I was so distracted by that time, that none of those scenes even made it off the cutting room floor. It was just me looking lost in my thoughts as Aaron constantly said, “Are you even listening to me?” 

Everything was all but forgotten until I received word that Brian refused to sign a release so his face could be shown on camera. The people at E! wanted me to talk to him about it but I said no so, they blurred out his face as if he was just a random guy passing in a crowd and not one of my best friends in the whole entire world. 

“Well?” I looked up at Brian.

“Well what?” 

“Where were you just now?” He seemed amused. I guess because he had no idea what I was thinking. 

“Sorry…just thinking about things.”

Once I asked him about the whole incident in passing and giggled as if it was a joke. I said, “You know what some of our fans are calling you?”

“What?”

“Blurry Brian.”

“And why is that?”

“Because you had your face blurred out on my show.” 

“Well, I don’t care.” He had once again gotten that serious tone of voice. “They can call me whatever they like. Clearly they just don’t understand.”

I wanted to say at that point, that I didn’t either, but I just nodded as if I did totally get why he did what he did. I never really brought it up again after that. In fact, I never really brought up much after that, to him anyway. Our relationship became more about the here and now and less about the old days. 

“What kinds of things?” He asked me when I still seemed reluctant to answer his question.

“Are you proud of me?” I can’t believe I blurted that out. I wanted to take it back. It was almost as embarrassing as having your mom walk in on you while masturbating. Okay, maybe that would be worse, but in my book, not by much. 

He seemed a little surprised at my question. I couldn’t blame him because so was I. “Am I proud of you?”

“Never mind, I didn’t mean it.”

“You didn’t mean what?”

Now I was just confusing the guy, “Nothing…I’m not making any sense.”

“That question made sense, in a random out of the blue kind of way, but yeah, it did make sense.”

“It’s just that you always say how proud you are of AJ…”

“I am proud of him. He overcame an addiction.”

“I know. I’m proud of him too.”

“Okay.” Once again he seemed confused and I felt dumb. 

“It’s not important.”

“What’s not important?” AH, I hate when he repeats everything I say but in question format!

“Nothing is.”

“Nick…”

“I guess it would be nice to know if you thought I did anything you could be proud of.” Wow…I actually said it!

“You don’t need my approval.” 

“I don’t need it, you’re right.” But I want it! 

I bit on my bottom lip and worried my fingers through the frayed edges of the hoodie I was wearing, hoping that at any second AJ and Kevin would emerge from their hiding places and let me off the hook. 

“I am proud of you Nick. Of course I am.”

I looked over at him, “Really? Or are you just saying that because I put you on the spot?”

He seemed offended, “Would I do that?” 

My lack of reply was a sobering answer for him, “Nickolas Gene…” He moved closer o me so he could wrap an arm around my shoulder, “I am really proud of the way you have turned your life around. You are growing up kiddo and I love that.” 

“I just feel like sometimes you hold me to a higher standard than you do AJ is all.”

“Really?”

“I think if AJ went solo when I did, you wouldn’t have wanted to kick him out of the band.” And there it was; the ginormous elephant that’s been sneaking around with us for the last 5 or 6 years. He finally popped out of my ass. Ah, what a relief. 

He just kind of stared at me for a little bit. I think he always knew it bothered me but hoped I would never bring it up. “Nick, if any of you did that I would have had the same reaction.”

“Why did you have that reaction?”

“It wasn’t just me you know.” 

“I know, but you are the first one that initiated it and the only one that really wanted to carry it through. Do you have any idea at all how much that hurt me?” 

“I’m sure it hurt you, but at the time I was mad and I was hurt. You chose yourself over the group. Something we all decided we wouldn’t do!”

“I was just a kid Brian and besides, we were on a break because YOU had a child among other things. It’s something I needed to do. Everyone else got that except you, the one person who knew me best.” 

“How come you never came to talk to me?” I didn’t expect that one. “I knew it bothered you and I knew you were going through really hard times, but not once did you pick up the phone to talk to me about any of it.” He continued. 

“Truthfully, I didn’t think you would care.” And boy did it hurt to say that. It’s how I felt though. We had just grown so far apart during that time in our lives, I really thought he wanted nothing to do with me. 

“Nick, do you have any idea why I used to make you those signs when you were a kid?”

“Because you enjoyed mocking me?” I answered with a small smile. 

“Well, yeah that was part of it…” He smiled too, “but really it was because I knew how much you missed the idea of your family. When things started going downhill for you guys it broke my heart. To see you laugh instead of cry became one of my main goals. If I could have learned how to juggle just so you could forget about things, I would have.”

“Thanks Brian,” was all I could manage to say. I felt like crying, damn him!

“That’s why when you suddenly stopped talking to me about any of it I was confused. You started hanging out with this bad crowd of people and drinking too much and being self destructive and I had no idea what to do. You shut me out Nick, not the other way around.” 

“I shut everyone out.”

“I know and it scared me to death. And then suddenly you come out with the news you’re making an album just as we’re about to start working again.”

“I really didn’t intend for it to go like that. I thought I’d be able to do both at the same time. They told me it was now or never for my album.” Yes, that’s why it’s called what it’s called.

“Because they knew they could bully you into it. If you had come to me or even Kevin…”

“I was afraid you’d try to talk me out of it. I needed to do it. I felt like it was all I had to cling onto.”

“I was there to cling on to. We all would have been there if you had let us.” I was amazed by the level of hurt I heard in his voice. All this time, I never once thought that maybe I had hurt his feelings too. My mind just never went that way. 

“So you tried to kick me out of the band because I didn’t come to you for help?”

“No, I thought maybe if you saw us move on without you, you’d wake up and smell the coffee. I felt horrible for that whole thing Nick. Believe me, I actually went home and cried about it. You can ask my wife. She was probably sick to death of me always coming home and talking about you.”

“Is that why she hates me?” I smiled as I wiped at one of my tears. Yes, I was crying like the big sissy I am sometimes. 

“One of the many reasons,” He half joked. 

“I didn’t feel like anyone cared back then Brian. I was about as low as AJ was, minus the hardcore drugs.” 

It was like he finally understood at that moment, what I’d been trying to say. “But yet, here I am always praising AJ and you get nothing.” 

I nodded at him, “Yeah, something like that.”

“Nickolas Gene…”

“I hate when you call me that.”

“I know, and I don’t care…let me finish…” I laughed at him. “I am incredibly proud of you. Everyday I look at you, that lost little boy flashes in front of my eyes. I think about how far you’ve come and I am overwhelmed by what I see. I have always felt that way about you, even at your lowest lows and you know why?”

I forced myself to look at him, “No, why?”

He smiled and pinched my cheeks, “Because you are so friggin’ adorable I can’t even handle it!” and without missing a beat, he gave me a wet, sloppy kiss on the lips just as Kevin and AJ walked back into view of course. 

“Whoa! Cue the porno music! Looks like we came back just in time for the sex scene Kevin! Bow chicka Wow wow…” AJ said as he played his air guitar. 

“Shut up retard!” I slapped at his legs as he walked by and sat down. 

“Are you guys hungry? I know I’m ready for something to eat!” Kevin said as he winked at me. I’m sure he’ll be expecting a full report but I think I plan on keeping this moment to myself. 

I glanced over at Brian as AJ was telling him about his harrowing adventures on a small hike with Kevin. I have a feeling we’ll be hearing the word harrowing a lot with AJ this weekend. 

Brian looked over at me and smiled and right then and there, that elephant finally got a little blurry. Maybe one day he’ll disappear completely. 


	12. Chapter 12

**A good friend is a connection to life - a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world. ~Lois Wyse**

**~ 12 ~**

**Telling Stories around a Campfire**

“Are you sure we don’t have anything else to eat around here?” 

I shook my head and looked over at AJ who was swatting at invisible insects that were supposedly just hovering around him and nobody else. “No AJ, all we have is what we brought, unless you smuggled a pizza in your bag.”

“I wish I would have.” He said as he half heartedly took another bite out of his canned chili. 

“Suck it up J, it’s not like you are going to starve to death or anything.”

“I didn’t say I was going to starve Kevin. I am just openly disapproving of our meal. I mean this is a reunion for all of us. You’d think we’d be eating better.”

“Oh here you go, you big baby. I was saving this for myself when we go hiking tomorrow for the extra boost of energy but if it’ll shut you up; me collapsing halfway through our trek will be worth it.” Nick tossed a candy bar over to AJ as the rest of us laughed. 

“Why do I think you have more than one of those Nickolas Gene?” 

“Stop calling me that Brian.” 

Brian gave Nick a small smile which prompted Nick to throw some chocolate his way as well. “Oh fine…here!” 

“Thanks!” 

“So much for eating healthy then?” I had to say something, right? I mean what kind of Kevin would I be if I didn’t mention the fact that my ex little pork chop was carrying around a whole candy stash?

“I eat really healthy, notice that I’m not the one gnawing on the stuff. I just brought them if we needed them.”

“When does anyone actually NEED a Twix?”

“I needed one or else I was going to die.” AJ was quick to say as he threw the wrapper into the fire. 

“I didn’t know one could die from whining.” 

“Good one Kev!” Brian nodded at me from across the flames as he finished his Kit Kat bar. 

I glanced over at Nick, “So, where’s mine?”

“Where’s your what?”

“Candy bar.”

“What? After you insult me?”

“You are much too sensitive Nick…now give me some candy!” I tried to say that as Cartman from South Park which really made both Nick and AJ laugh so hard I thought they were going to roll right into our campfire. 

“Oh my God! You did NOT just try to do Cartman! AJ did you hear that? Kevin just fucking pulled a Cartman!” 

“Do it again KEV!” AJ pleaded. 

“I said give me some candeeeh!” I did it much better that time and once again they died laughing. “What is so funny?”

“You are…” Nick said as he threw over a Butterfinger. “Congrats, you have earned this my man.”

“How many different types of candy do you have in there?” Brian asked as he tried peering into Nick’s bag.

“Enough. Let’s say I had the midnight munchies and leave it at that.”

“Good plan.” I sighed as I bit into my candy bar. I have to say it’s been a long time since I’ve actually eaten one of these. I’ve never been big on sweets, but every once in a great while I found myself wanting to indulge. I guess now was as good of a time as any. “So, what do you guys want to do now? I brought cards, we could play some poker.”

“Poker doesn’t seem like a camping game.” AJ answered. 

“Yeah…and besides we don’t have a her to poke…get it? A her to poke…poker…poke her? Get it?” 

“Wow Brian, that was like a Howie lame ass joke.” 

“Shut up Nickolas Gene.”

“Well it was!” 

“I thought it was funny.” 

“Of course you did because you’re the one that said it. I don’t think Baylee would have even found that one funny.”

“Baylee probably gave it to him before he left.”

“Oh, now you’re going to start on me too AJ? What is this, pick on Brian night?”

“Howie’s not here, you’re the next in line.” Nick said as he finally succumbed to peer pressure and took out a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup.

“And how do you figure that?”

“Height order…” Both Nick and I said that at the same time much to the chagrin of my cousin who promptly gave us both the finger and smiled. 

“We could always tell ghost stories!”

We all looked over at AJ, “Really? Are we 13 again?” I asked kind of sarcastically. What can I say? I am in that kind of a mood. 

“I don’t know man, it’s just a thought. It seems like it makes more sense than poker. I mean where would we even play poker?”

He had a point. 

“I have a good story to tell.” Of course Nick did. 

“Does it involve you and a slutty ghost having sex?” 

“Oh, did I tell you that one already?” 

I tried not to laugh but I couldn’t help it. He cracks me up.

“Now why did you think that one was funny and my poking joke wasn’t?” Brian asked me as if he was thoroughly offended.

“You are a funny little thing too Brian…you happy now?” 

“A little.”

“Good.”

“I have a scary story but it’s not a ghost story.”

“Does it involve you and cross dressing AJ?” 

“Haha very funny Brian…”

“See? I AM funny!”

“It involves a scary fan.”

“Oh, those are the worst.”

“Yup.” 

“Tell us.” Nick said criss-crossing his legs and sipping on a juice box. Yes, a juice box. Apparently he packed those too. 

“Is this the Emo, goth girl?” 

AJ nodded at Brian before he started his story, “This girl wrote me a fan letter awhile back telling me how I changed her life as she was going through some really rough times. It was a really beautiful letter and I was touched by it so I wrote her back and thanked her. I guess that was my first mistake.”

“Sometimes all it takes is one mistake.” I added. 

“She mistook my reply for a vow of devotion and suddenly the letters I got from her increased by about a hundred and ten percent. I was getting on average about three letters a day from her, is that about right Rok?” 

Brian nodded, “Yeah, something like that.” 

“Those letters ranged from intensely disturbing to mildly entertaining depending on the mood I was in. Most of the time she was very emo. My life is one rippling wave of horrific ness…blah blah blah…and other times she would sound like she was the happiest person in the world just because she felt like she knew me.

Things started getting scary when she called me on my cell. I’m not sure how she got the number but she kept calling me over and over and leaving messages. That’s why I changed my number. After I changed my number she stopped writing me letters and I thought she had gone away until she showed up on my doorstep. I called the police and had her arrested. I felt bad but I think she was crazy and I didn’t want to take a chance.”

“That’s pretty scary. When did all that go down?” I wondered.

“While we were recording Unbreakable.” 

“You ended up getting a restraining order on her, didn’t you Bone?” Nick asked. I suddenly felt bad because I was the only one who didn’t know about the situation. 

AJ nodded at Nick and then turned back to me to finish the story, “Turns out she was schizophrenic and had stopped taking her meds. Things could have gotten out of hand.”

“I’m glad they didn’t.” I said taking a deep breath. “Remember the lunatic who loved me?”

“Oh yeah, your one fan.” I rolled my eyes at Nick as he started giggling. 

“I should have given her your address.” 

“Nice…don’t think you’ll be getting anymore candy from me after that remark!” 

“Can I have a juice box?” 

He shook his head at me and sucked on the straw so hard the box practically imploded on itself. When he was done he turned to me and burped. “Tell us about your fan Kevin.” He said once he was done being gross.

“She used to stalk me every night when I was in Chicago. She’d be waiting by the stage door entrance and she’d yell and scream for me and cry uncontrollably. She made the entire cast feel uncomfortable. She would ask me for my autograph every single night as if I wouldn’t recognize that it was her every time. I always did it because I was afraid to say no. It’s not like we had security or anything.

Then one night as Kris and I were walking back to our hotel I felt someone following us and sure enough I looked back and it was her. When she saw me turn, she tried hiding behind a mailbox. I seriously think that was the first time I actually feared for my life. Kris was calm and just said we should walk into the nearest restaurant and that’s what we did. We went in there and just sat and had some coffee, making sure we were surrounded by a lot of people. 

She actually stood outside for a good hour and a half waiting for us to leave before she gave up and went home. After I told the cast what had happened, the theater had to have police on hand after every performance to ensure our safety. She showed up two more times but after she saw the police she stopped coming.”

“Have you ever seen her again? Like at our shows or anything?” AJ asked like a concerned dad. 

“Oddly enough, no. I did actually look for her when we did our New York dates but I didn’t see her. Maybe she just was into the Broadway me and not the BSB me.”

“I remember hearing about that from Howie. I guess that was all happening when he came to see you in the show. He was worried. I’m glad she left you alone cousin.”

“What about you Brian? Do you have any scary stories?” Nick asked now lying down on the ground zipping himself into his sleeping bag. 

“Well, there was that psycho who kidnapped my dog…”

“Yeah, that was crazy, anything else?”

“Not really me, I’m always more worried about my wife and my son then I am for myself. Sometimes it scares me how obsessed people seem to be about my family. I try to steer clear of them.” 

“Understandable,” I added, “That’s why we’re keeping Mason out of the public eye. The less people who know he exists or what he looks like, the better.”

“I don’t mind Baylee hanging out with our fans because most of them are fine, just a few of them kind of creep me out but luckily Baylee has a great radar for that too. He loves people but he can tell when someone isn’t quite all there. He let’s me know. He’s like ‘daddy that one over there is staring at me and making me feel bad’ and that’s when I’ll have Leigh come and get him.”

“Good to know your son has more sense than this one over here.” AJ said pointing over at Nick. 

“Hey! Why do you say that?” Nick seemed surprised by this statement which made me shake my head at him.

“Oh I don’t know… by far out of all of us you have the most whacko fans.”

“That’s what everyone says but I can’t really point to one incident that scared me.”

“This is what’s wrong with you. You are too trusting with some of these people.” I was getting a kick out of AJ lecturing Nick. Maybe he took over my roll. Wow, what a terrifying thought.

“I am not too trusting. I don’t trust anyone, remember? I’m Nick Carter, the one with trust issues?”

“Do we have to bring up that time you almost got into a car with a stranger?” I spoke up.

“Are we bringing that up again? I was only fourteen!”

“Fourteen is old enough to know better Nick!” AJ scolded. 

“I can’t believe you guys. That happened such a long time ago.”

“And it’s a perfect example of what AJ is talking about buddy. I mean if Kevin didn’t happen to follow you to that woman’s minivan…”

I interrupted Brian’s thought, “We would have never seen you again.” 

“Come on…I would have handled it.” He sat up again now that he was being attacked.

“Handled it? You were ready to hop in her van and let her drive you to see her supposedly crippled daughter.”

“She could have been telling the truth.”

“Didn’t she start out by telling you her daughter was waiting in the van because she couldn’t make it into the theater?” 

“Well…yeah.”

“And didn’t she change her tune when you asked her where her daughter was once you got to the van?” 

“Yeah, but…”

“And what did you see in the van Nick? I know what I saw but what did you see?”

“Rope and stuff.”

“And don’t you think it’s weird that once I insisted on coming with you, suddenly this woman was in a rush and needed to go, without you meeting her daughter?”

“Okay fine…but I wouldn’t have actually gotten into the car. I’m not that stupid.”

“You wouldn’t have had to. Once she had you close enough she could have just pulled you in and goodbye Nickolas Gene.”

“Do we know whatever happened with that?” Brian asked. 

“I called the police and reported her and made sure I gave them the license plate number. It was a rental and when they went to find the owner, the name and address were fake.”

Nick turned to me surprised, “I didn’t know you called the police and reported it.”

“Don’t you remember them talking to you about it?”

“Oh yeah, I guess maybe a little.”

“You need to be more aware of what’s going on around you Nick. That about aged me twelve years.”

“And gave us all a glimpse of what life with you was going to be like.” AJ added. 

“Yeah, had I known what life was going to be like with you, I would have just let you go.” I winked at him. Hey, I had to get him back for his one fan remark. I would have never let him go. He’s lucky I saw him wander away. After that incident, we started having a security guard around because Lou realized we were at the point where we needed one. Funny how he looked at that as a good thing but it scared the four of us to death. Obviously I didn’t say five because Nick was oblivious…and still is.

“There’s this girl now who posts on his Myspace from time to time and insists they are married. She even took a picture wearing a wedding dress with Nick’s poster next to her.”

“Why are you going on my Myspace AJ? That’s disturbing.”

“Just be careful…all of you. I don’t want to turn on the news one night and hear about something bad happening to any of you.”

“We are careful Kevin, and we look out for each other.” Brian said trying to ease my mind. Not that it’s something I found myself worrying about all that much. 

“What about Howie?” Nick said, grateful to take the attention off of himself. “Does he have any crazy fan stories we can think of?”

“Besides some of his older fans who can be really stalkerish and creepy like the cruise one he always talks about…” 

We all laughed knowing exactly who Brian was talking about as he continued, “For the most part, I don’t think he’s had any trouble.”

“Well…we could all toast to being safe and alive after all these years of nuttiness but Nick is hoarding the juice boxes.”

“No one asked for one.”

“I asked for one.”

“I mean no one who doesn’t suck.”

I stood up and made my way over to Nick who screamed like a girl when he saw me coming. “That’s it!” I said as I jumped on him and grabbed his bag of goodies. “I’m taking this now!” I handed the bag to Brian as Nick laughed underneath my weight. 


	13. Chapter 13

**The friend who holds your hand and says the wrong thing is made of dearer stuff than the one who stays away. ~Barbara Kingsolver  
**

**13**

***sings*** **Peanut… peanut butter…and jellied fish!**

I woke up long before everyone else for some reason. My eyes were wide open by 6 in the morning. That like never happens, seriously. Even on days when we’re supposed to be up that early I practically have to be pulled out of bed kicking and screaming. Maybe it was because of the fresh air or the smell of pine? I have always loved that smell. Maybe I’ll make my own perfume one day, Ode de Pine because for some reason I find the smell of fresh pine sexy.

I have issues.

I probably should go back to sleep for at least a little while because today we are going to go on a hike. Not just any hike but a Kevin controlled one. That means a lot of walking up hill, gawking at trees and eating strange berries. If I’m lucky maybe I can rub some pine on me.

“Good morning!” 

Ah well, so much for going back to sleep.

“Morning Kev.”

“You are up early.”

“Tell me about it.” 

“I just did.” He walked over to our fire and started preparing some coffee. “You hungry?”

“A little.”

“I plan on making us some fish and jelly before we leave.”

“Did you just say fish and jelly?” 

“Uh huh…hand me that stick would you please?” I gave him the stick while also giving him my best what the fuck are you talking about look. When he saw me glancing at him he laughed at me, “What? Tell me the boy who would eat a piece of dog crap on a dare, has never had fish and jelly.” 

“I can’t say that I have. I can’t even believe that YOU have.”

“It’s a standard Richardson breakfast when camping.”

“Does your wife know of this disgusting habit of yours?”

“She condones it and also participates.” 

“Right, I find that hard to believe!” 

“Ask her for yourself.” He shook his head and moved to our cooler where he really did take out some fish. He was serious. We were going to partake in something mega disgusting.

“How do you think AJ will feel about this?”

“I don’t know and I don’t particularly care. I know Brian won’t mind. He has had it too.”

“You guys are weird.” I smiled in spite of myself, mainly because the look on AJ’s face when he saw a stinky fish covered with jelly would be priceless. “Well, I’m adventurous and up for the challenge. Bring on jellied fish!” 

“Now, there’s my Nickolas talking! Maybe you should go wake up Brian and AJ.” 

“I’m not up for that, besides I’m sure once they smell the enticing aroma of coffee and fish they’ll be out here in no time.”

He laughed once again. It was nice seeing Kevin so relaxed, happy and laid back. This is the guy I loved to be around and missed more than anything else sometimes. “Are you having a good time so far?” 

I nodded at him, “What about you?” 

“I am. I’m kind of sad it’s almost over. It’s been nice being out here with you.” 

“It doesn’t have to be over you know, we can always make a shack out here and live among nature. Make our own tribe, shed the clothes, walk around naked and call ourselves Nimbuto and *click click click* Ahahaha.”

“Yeah, or we could just try to do this more often?” He slightly leaned his head sideways and shrugged at me much the same way an old Jewish Grandmother might as she made a point that should have been obvious to everyone else. 

“I like my plan better, but okay, maybe yours is more practical…so, can we discuss your odd, fish for breakfast issues again?” We were about to have a ‘moment’ and for some reason having a ‘moment’ this early in the morning made everything seem gayer, so I felt I needed to go back to the fish thing. 

“Nope, not open for debate. Besides, you enjoyed the fish last time, didn’t you?” 

“Well, yeah but…”

“So, most likely you’ll enjoy it again. Don’t be so quick to shoot down new things Nick. Haven’t I taught you anything?” 

“You have taught me that you are one weird mofo!” 

Kevin rolled his eyes at me as he placed a few fish into the frying pan. “How are you feeling by the way?” He asked taking a cup and pouring some coffee into it.

“Peachy, why are you asking?”

“You want some of this?” When I nodded he took the cup he originally poured for himself and handed it to me instead, “Because when I talked to Howie he mentioned you haven’t been feeling like yourself.” 

“He did?” 

“Yeah, said that you are always sleeping and tired.”

“Touring takes a lot out of a person Kevin.”

“So does nonstop partying.”

I shook my head at him. “I don’t do that anymore.” 

I’m trying not to anyway. It’s been rough. I party pretty damn hard and to stop cold turkey isn’t easy, especially while we’re on tour. Howie always volunteers to come out with me. At first I thought it was because he was into the partying as much as I am, but now I realize it’s more to baby-sit me and make sure I don’t do anything too dumb. 

“I hope not, because you are looking great. I’d hate for you to go back to your old ways.”

“My old ways are long behind me now, no need to worry.”

“That’s good, but still…if you are always as tired as Howie claims you are, maybe you should consider a physical exam.”

I can’t believe with all that’s going on in Howie’s life at the moment, he still felt it necessary to rat on me to Kevin! I know it’s out of concern, but really? I don’t complain that much do I? I mean I know I’m tired a lot more than I should be but I usually don’t bitch about it. That’s AJ’s job. That boy bitches about everything. Speaking of which, as I was just thinking his name, out popped his head from the tent. Cool…now I shall think about lots of hot chicks!

“What the fuck smells like chocolate ass out here?”

Ah, I guess that’s what coffee and fish smell like together, who knew? 

“Good morning sunshine, want some coffee?” Kevin asked as he flipped the fish and smiled widely. 

“Why are you both up so freaking early in the morning?”

“Is that a yes, I would love some coffee Kevin so thanks for asking?”

“Sure.” 

Kevin leaned over me and handed AJ a fresh cup of coffee. “Why are you frying fish?” AJ asked in return.

“Because we need a good breakfast before our long hike today.”

“We are having fish for breakfast? Who the hell eats fish for breakfast?”

“AJ, this is an argument you are not going to win, trust me. We have been through this already. Wait until you hear what we’re having on top of it…go ahead and tell him Kevin!” 

“I’ll let you do the honors. I have to go pee. Watch the fish and make sure it doesn’t burn.” He said to me. He was leaving me in charge. Did everyone catch that? 

I looked over at AJ and he shrugged at me, taking out a cigarette and lighting up. He was trying to quit but nothing seemed to be working for him, poor guy. I had no trouble when it came to smoking, probably because I only did it casually and not out of necessity. Every habit AJ had was out of necessity though. I think that is the main difference between us. How he ended up in rehab and I didn’t. Not to say that his problems were much worse than mine because in all honestly at one point, I think I might have even been doing more shit than he was, but for some reason, at the end of the day, it’s always been easier for me to just drop it when I wanted to. I think sometimes he really resents me for that. 

“Howie actually told Kevin that I’m tired all the time.” I felt the need to say. I had to complain to someone, right?

“Well, you are tired all the time.”

“Why tell Kevin?”

“Why not?”

“Don’t you think Howie has enough crap to worry about right now?”

“That tells you something then, doesn’t it?” He yawned and smashed his cigarette into a rock. “It’s too early to even friggin smoke.” 

“What is that supposed to tell me?”

“That he’s worried about you maybe?” 

“Why?”

“Because you are tired all the time…this isn’t rocket science Carter.”

“Are you worried?”

“Not particularly, but you really are tired all the time and are always sick… all the time.”

“It’s our schedule man!”

“Hey, don’t get all defensive with me, you asked me a question…I’m answering it.”

He was right. I was getting all bent out of shape. Truth is, I’m kind of worried about my own health. Not that I’d ever admit it to anyone within earshot but even though I am starting to eat better and take care of myself, I am also feeling like crap all the time. 

“Sorry, maybe I will get checked out one of these days.”

“Better late than never because if anything happens to you, then who would be left to actually make me look good?”

“Shut the hell up Bone.”

“It’s Jizzle.”

“How are you feeling then…Jizzle?” I asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

“I am up at fucking before God o’clock in the morning, how the hell do you think I’m feeling? And I have to fart like no one’s business.”

“If it’s no one business than why the hell are you telling me?”

He looked over at me and took another cigarette out of his pocket, “Because you asked.” He shook his head at me as if I was an idiot or something. 

“Didn’t you just say it was too early to smoke? And aren’t you supposed to be quitting?” Now I just felt the need to be annoying.

“Carter, shut the hell up.” And mission accomplished!

“Are you ready for this hike?” I took a sip of my own coffee which had considerably cooled since it was handed to me. I guess that’s what I get for talking too much. 

“I am hoping he’ll just let me stay here while you guys go.”

I laughed at that, “And you really think he’d let you do that?”

“Not that he has to let me do anything. He’s not the boss of me.” The way he said that you almost heard, ‘but I wish he was,’ after it. AJ missed Kevin that much. I mean I did too, we all kind of did, but poor AJ just can’t get over the fact that Kevin left us. 

“The whole point of us coming out here was to do stuff together. Stop isolating yourself!” 

He threw down his second barely touched cigarette and glared at me, “What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“You know what I mean.” I answered sharply. 

AJ has been drinking again for a while now. I still think Brian refuses to see it, but Howie and I know for a fact the guy is getting drunk more and more these days. At first it started with one or two drinks, now it’s become more than that.

“I can handle it Nick.”

“I hope so.”

Kevin started walking back towards us from peeing hill USA. “Drop it now though.” AJ warned and judging by the look on his face, he wasn’t joking. Part of my plan this trip was to let Kevin know about AJ. I wanted to the very first night but for some reason I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I know it would break Kevin’s heart if he found out, but maybe deep down inside, that jealousy would come back for me too. I’m such a horrible person sometimes. Besides, knowing Kevin, I bet he has his suspicions already, if not I’m sure Howie has mentioned it to him. I mean he told Kevin I was tired all the time. 

Kevin plopped down beside me and looked at the fish. He seemed pleased that they weren’t destroyed. “Thanks.” He said to me as he grabbed plates, “Someone want to go wake up Brian?”

“I think it’s kind of funny that he’s the only one not awake.” I said with a smile on my face. 

“It’s probably the only time the poor guy can sleep in. No Baylee jumping on his back and wanting him to play.” AJ coughed as he grabbed for the plate of fish Kevin was handing him and then promptly recoiled when the jar of strawberry jam was passed along. “What the fuck is this for?” He asked in his very AJ way. 

“For fish slathering!” I answered as I used AJ’s shoulder to help me get up off the ground. 

Kevin gave us both one of his old school looks. The kind we used to get when we were growing up and doing all kinds of dumb things. “Now I’ll go wake up Rok.” I said, winking at Kevin as he slathered jelly all over his fish to the disgusted sounds of AJ who had finally let go of that long awaited fart. 


	14. Chapter 14

**Friendship is a sheltering tree. ~Samuel Taylor Coleridge**

**14**

**Climbing up the Mountain**

After our thoroughly enjoyable breakfast, we put on our hiking gear and started for the big mountain. Ever since I asked Nick out on this camping trip, I’ve been looking forward to going on this hike. Nothing is better than conquering a huge hill, standing at the top and taking in the sounds and smells of nature. God had intended everyone to live like this but sadly, most of us choose to ignore all the beauty that he has created all around us. 

We take everything for granted.

Tying up the last lace of my boots, I glanced over at AJ who was still grumbling under his breath about the fish. I shook my head at him as he rubbed his stomach. The guy was such a drama queen. Let’s put that on the list of things that Kevin did not miss about being a Backstreet Boy. 

“I hope you have better shoes to wear AJ because you are going to get some huge ass blisters if all you have are those things.” I couldn’t help it. I had to say something. Believe me, I tried my hardest to ignore the flip flops, but I wasn’t about to listen to his rants on how much his feet hurt for the next three hours or so. 

“Rok said I can borrow a pair of his boots. He’s getting them now.” 

“Good.” 

Brian walked out carrying an extra pair of shoes and handed them over to AJ. “I knew you wouldn’t be prepared for this, so I came prepared for the both of us.” 

“And that’s one of the many reasons why I love you Rok! Don’t worry, we won’t tell your wife.” 

“Your feet are so freakishly small I bet those are his wife’s.” Nick joked as he sat on a rock and played with his stick. You’d think the boy was part dog the way he was always entranced with sticks. 

AJ ignored Nick and groaned as he tried to get his feet into Brian’s boots. “I am telling you guys, I think maybe it would be best for all of you if I stayed here while you did the hiking thing.” 

“No way Bone…”

“Jizzle!”

“Whoever…if I am going hiking so are you!” Nick looked over at me and rolled his eyes, silently showing his disgust that anyone be so immature. I tried my best not to laugh, but I couldn’t help it. I smirked. This would have been Nick a few years ago. Hell, this would have been Nick last week. AJ just beat him to the punch. 

“I don’t know why anyone would think this is fun.” 

“AJ, its good exercise and it’s always a nice thing to become one with your surroundings, now are we almost ready to go?” I lectured, God, why do I always have to lecture? 

“Why the rush? It’s not like nature has a hot date or anything.”

“Because the longer we wait, the harder it’s going to get. Lot’s of people will be on the trail and we don’t want to run into any rabid fans, right?” 

“I don’t see our fans as being the hiking types, Kevin.” 

“Don’t underestimate your fans AJ. Haven’t you seen the way they run after you guys?”

“You know, you can still include yourself in us Kevin.” 

I glanced over at my cousin, “What do you mean?”

“You said ‘our’ fans, but they are ‘your’ fans as well. You excluded yourself.” 

I hadn’t even realized I did that. “Okay, well our fans then….happy?”

Brian smiled wide at me, “Ecstatic.” 

“Just for the record, I’m not a part of ‘you’ anymore. That’s what quitting is all about.” I really think that sometimes they forgot that. They act as if I’m still in the band, which I guess I do secretly enjoy. It doesn’t make it any easier on me though. “Are we ready to get this show on the road then?” I asked once again looking over at AJ as he stood up and wiggled his ankles around like Pinocchio. 

“Let’s do this thing!” He answered as he jumped ahead of us to lead us on our way, which was kind of funny considering he had no idea where he was going. Why do I hang out with these people again?

The hiking trail I picked was one known for its beautiful views as we got higher up which meant it was kind of a rough climb. What can I say? Beauty is a hard hunter. “Did everyone bring water with them?” 

“I have a few bottles on hand.” Brian was quick to answer. 

“What about you Nickolas?” 

“I have some water and some more juice boxes and even some candy if anyone needs it.” 

“AJ?”

“I’m all set Kevin.”

I nodded at them all as we started towards the trail. It would take us about 90 minutes each way with a nice significant rest once we hit the top. This was the prefect way to end a camping trip. My family always ended our outings with a hike. It’s the best way to bond, in my opinion anyway. “Have you had a good time out here?” I was startled out of my thoughts by my cousin who decided to catch up to me. I hadn’t realized that I already picked up my pace to leave everyone else behind. Blame the overly long legs. 

“Yup, I’ve had a lot of fun.”

“Nick seems to have enjoyed himself as well. He told me he wished we could all stay longer.”

“I wish you could to, but unfortunately real life beckons and I miss my family.” I confessed. 

“Now you know how I always felt.” I nodded at him. He was right. We always gave him a hard time when he’d whine about missing Leighanne and Baylee. “Things change when you have a family. They won’t get it until it happens to them. I know I didn’t get it either.” 

“Life does get more complicated, doesn’t it?” I asked rhetorically. 

“I was thinking maybe on our next extended hiatus, we could do this again but with just you guys and us? A nice little family camping trip, what do you say?” 

“I think that would be fun, do you think Harold would be up for it?” 

“What’s going on? I feel like I’m missing out on all the fun.” I knew it wouldn’t be long before Nick made his presence known. He hated when anyone took his ‘Kevin’ time away from him. I know it sounds egotistical of me to say, but it’s the truth. 

“Maybe, we could always ask him.” Brian answered as he shook his head. 

“Ask who? Me? Ask me what?” We both laughed, Nick was so much like a child. 

“Believe it or not Nicky Gene, but not everything is about you. I know it’s hard to grasp that concept, but it’s true, I’m afraid.” Brian said very sarcastically. 

“Well if that’s really true, than I feel sorry for everyone who isn’t talking about me always because I think we all know I’m truly awesome.” He couldn’t even get through the sentence without cracking himself up, “I’m just playin’…so how much further are we going Kevin?”

“It’s a hike, Nick. We just started. Please don’t tell me you’re tired already.”

“Relax home slice, it was just a question.”

“It’s going to take at least 90 minutes to get to the top of the mountain.”

He nodded at me and smiled, “Sounds like fun.” 

“Did he say 90 minutes?” I heard from behind me. 

“I did say 90 minutes, which should be a piece of cake for you.” I decided to stop for a minute and let him catch up to us. He was beginning to worry me. This was how the old AJ was. The one who was always so high and drugged up he never wanted to do much of anything besides sleep. “Are you getting sick or something?” I asked him when he finally ended up by my side. 

“No, just not in the walking mood, that’s all.”

“Are you sure everything’s alright?” I didn’t want to seem like I was being too pushy or overbearing. Overbearing didn’t always work with AJ. I found as they were growing up, Nick and AJ needed different types of parenting skills so to speak. With Nick, it was more discipline and harsh daddy type. When it came to AJ, he needed a more subtle and softer hand. Being honest and forthright usually worked best with him. I was always able to get the best results from him when I would ask him flat out, “What did you do and how can I fix it?” 

He nodded at me, “Everything’s peachy.”

The only time that wasn’t true was when he was doing his drugs. By the time I figured out how deep over his head he was, it was already too late. He had become a master of lying and deception at that point. I had my suspicions but I never acted on them, until he asked me to do coke with him one night. I think he was already so stoned at that point he hadn’t even realized he made that offer. 

“Because you know if things aren’t, you can talk to me, right? I mean even though I’m not around you twenty four seven anymore doesn’t mean you can’t call me…anytime.”

He glanced over at me and smiled. His eyes didn’t look red to me and he didn’t even really look all that tired. I couldn’t help but feel a little relieved at that. Maybe I was just jumping to conclusions. I mean it’s not like AJ has ever been a fan of physical activity, even when he was in the best shape of his life and going to the gym, he always did so reluctantly. 

“I know that thanks, Kevin.”

“Anytime buddy.” I reached over and pat his back. 

“Hey guys, stop here for a second.” Nick said as he threw down his backpack and knelt beside it. 

“Why are we stopping?” I asked him, looking at my watch. 

“I wanted to get this out!” He said, grabbing for his camcorder and aiming it directly at me. “I can’t believe I forgot I brought this thing until now!” 

“Oh lord, here we go again! Would you put that thing away!” Brian said putting his hands up to his face as Nick got mere inches away from it. “You are even worse than Kevin was when he always carried around his. Do you remember how annoying you were with that Kev?”

“I didn’t think it was annoying at all. I never saw any of you complaining when we’d go back to the hotel and relive some of those moments. Remember that Swedish strip club?” 

“We watched that one over and over again.” Nick said with a huge smile playing out on his face. 

“And then over and over again after watching it over and over again…again.” AJ added redundantly.

“Yeah, I got a lot of hell for that one.” Brian said as he shook his head. 

“Serves you right for coming with us.” Nick said, “But tell us the truth Brian…you’d do it again if you had the chance wouldn’t you?” He asked once again sticking the camera in Brian’s face.

“I plead the fifth!”

When Nick grew bored of his mocking of Brian, he moved on, “I wanted to document some of our time up here for Howie, you know, so he doesn’t feel totally left out….so say hi Howie!” He panned back to the three of us as we all waved to the camera. 

“Hi Howie!” We all said on cue. 

“We miss you D and have been thinking about you. You have missed out on a lot of fun stuff but lucky for you all we’re doing is hiking up a mountain today.” 

“Enough with the bitching about that!” I growled at Nick who winked at me in return. 

“See Howie? I still know how to get under Kevin’s skin heehee!” He said with such pride that I smacked him upside the head while my fellow band mates cheered me on…I mean my ex fellow band mates. Now they are making me all confused! “Hey! He hit me!! Howie, Kevin just hit me, did you see that?” 

I looked right into the camera without a smile on my face, “Howie, I wish you were here to rescue me from this madness. I need to be around another adult!” 

“Oh please, he’s as juvenile as the rest of us. He’s probably worse.”

“I find that hard to believe Nick.”

“Of course you do because he’s stealth! Remember? Stealth D!”

I shook my head at Nick, “We’re thinking about you man. Hope to see you soon. Now Nick is going to put his camcorder away so we can continue up the mountain.”

“Climbing up the mountain children…” Brian began to sing from just behind where Nick was standing. 

“You’re not the boss of me you know. Kevin’s not my boss Howie.”

I pointed over at the blonde, “NOW!”

“Gotta go!” Brian said as he sung into the recorder while Nick turned it off and placed it back into his bag. 

“You know I can film and walk at the same time.” He protested as we once again started our walk along the trail. “I’ve become a pretty good multitasker.” 

“I don’t deny that, but I don’t want you falling to your death off of any mountains either because that would kind of suck the fun out of this entire trip.”

“Depends on who you ask.” AJ was quick to add before running past the two of us as Nick swiped at him. 

As Nick took off in a slow jog after AJ I just stood back for a minute and watched. I wanted to bring my camcorder on this trip. I even came as close as putting it in my bag before rethinking it out and leaving it at home. Now I wish I had brought it with me.

When I knew I was going to leave BSB, I made sure I had that thing with me at all times because in my heart I knew there would come a time when I’d want to be nostalgic and look back on everything we had been through together. Just like I had predicted, the first month of my unemployed life I did just that. Sat up till all hours of the night and watched some of those home movies. Laughed a lot, cried a little but most importantly, had no regrets that I had done the right thing. 

The reason I left the camera at home was because I was done reflecting on the past. It’s too easy to focus your energy on way back when. Still, it would have been nice to have. Maybe I can borrow Nick’s. 

“Kevin are you coming or what? Time’s a wasting and Mother Nature doesn’t have all day…apparently.” Nick said as he folded his arms in front of him. 

“You better hope I don’t catch up to you!” I said right as I darted towards Nick. He let out the girliest scream I have ever heard making me once again regret not having my camcorder on me and making him put his away!


	15. Chapter 15

**Friendship isn't a big thing - it's a million little things. ~Author Unknown**

**~ 15 ~**

**A Million Little Things**

We sat at the top of the mountain admiring the scene below us. As much as I hated hiking, and this one was particularly not fun at all, Kevin was right. The view was worth the trip. Not that I’d ever say that out loud. The clouds were just translucent and low enough to look like melting ice cubes over the adjoining mountaintops. That thought made me go into my backpack and once again pull out my camcorder. 

“Here we go again…” I heard Brian say in the background. 

“It’s beautiful isn’t it?” Kevin said as he came and sat beside me, pulling his legs up and wrapping his arms around them much the same way I used to sit when I was a kid. 

“It is,” I answered, pointing the camcorder at him before he had time to protest. “So Kevin, tell me one great thing you are taking away from this trip.” 

He gave me and the camera one of his long reflective looks and then put his hand to his chin. “Well, this for one.” He motioned to the view with his hands, but I took that answer as a copout. 

Before I could call him out on it, AJ came and sat down beside me on the other side. He was still huffing and puffing from his ‘harrowing journey up the mountain,’ as he called it. I can see him writing his memoirs and using that as a title. People would think he was talking about his long climb back from addiction, but only we would know how literal he was being. To make his point even more dramatic, he began to cough as if he was just about to hack up one of his lungs, finishing his attack most poignantly by pulling out a cigarette and lighting up. 

At the sound of the lighter igniting the flame, I glanced over at Kevin who silently shook his head in protest. Before standing up to leave, he used my shoulder as a crutch and gave me a small smile, “Just sit here and take in this gorgeous view. I have a feeling this is what heaven will look like.” AJ’s coughing made him shake his head once again before continuing, “Seems like some of us might see it before others though.” 

I laughed before turning back to AJ who didn’t even register that conversation. He seemed to be in some far off place. Just he, his cigarette and his thoughts. Since he broke up my moment with Kevin I thought I’d pose the same question to him. “So AJ, tell me one thing you’ve taken away from this little camping trip of ours?” 

“Nick, get that thing out of my face.” He protested. 

“Come on Jay, just answer the question.”

“I’m not a mountain climber.” 

“You just realized this today?” 

“No, but today it was confirmed.” 

“What else?” 

“Next time I go camping I need to pack better shoes and lots of bug repellant.” 

I put the camera down. For some reason he was making me mad. I know that’s weird because I probably would be saying the same smartass things he was saying. I was looking for honest answers though. “I didn’t ask you what you learned from camping in general, man. I asked you what’s one thing you’re taking away from this trip, one great thing.” 

He laughed at me, “I can’t think of anything at the moment. Maybe because my heart is still beating so fast it’s pulsating in my brain.” 

“Jesus, forget I even said anything.” I was rather pissy which made him take his sunglasses down to his nose and give me a look with his bare eyes. 

“Nick, relax, why are you getting so bent out of shape?”

“Because it pisses me off that you can’t think of one thing that made you happy about this trip. If it was going to be so awful you could have just stayed home.” 

“This way you could have had Kevin all to yourself buddy? Awww….so cute.” He reached over and pat my head. What a stupid ass! “Okay Nicky, I’ll play…” as he took his hand away from my head, he clutched my shoulder in a loving way. “One thing I thought was great about this trip was the fact that we even took it. You know? I mean we’re with each other pretty much all the damn time but yet on our rare days off, here we are all together once again. I think that’s pretty special and awesome. Even when you get all pissy and act like a friggin’ five year old sometimes.” 

I looked down at the ground as I smiled at what AJ had just said, “How I act like a five year old? Please…takes one to know one.”

“Hey, I never said I didn’t act like a five year old, did I? I am older than you though, so by default I act more 7 or 8.” 

“Whoopdee doo.” I exclaimed twirling my finger in the air. 

“You know I love you man and this trip was a lot of fun.” He stood up and stomped on his cigarette butt. “Now, will you carry me back down the mountain?” 

“Sure thing Bone…”

“Jizzle…” He interrupted.

“Bonejiggedyfizzledizzle.” I countered. 

“I like that…” 

“I figured you would…” As he walked away I realized I hadn’t captured our moment on video, “Damn! AJ, come back and say all that again!” I said holding the camcorder up so he could see it. 

“Sorry Carter, the moment has passed.” 

“Well, shit on me!”

Brian suddenly bounded out of nowhere. I swear the guy was part man and part puma. He jumped onto my lap, “Did someone say sit on me?” 

“I said shit on me!” I giggled as I tried to throw him off my lap.

“Do you really want me to do that Nickolas Gene?” He placed his arms around my neck so this way I wouldn’t be able to shake him off that easily. 

“Get off me! AH!!! I have a Brian on my neck!” 

He rolled off my lap, “I am offended by that remark young man.” 

After being freed from Brian’s weight, I stretched my legs in front of me with my arms behind; you know the lounge chair look as BJ liked to call it. “It really is something else up here, isn’t it?” I asked him when I noticed he was staring at the view ahead of us. 

He nodded. “So, what were you and AJ doing?” 

“I asked him what’s one great thing you have taken away from this camping trip.” 

He nodded and smiled, “Let me guess. He couldn’t think of anything?” 

“Wow, you’re a regular Sherlock Holmes. Although, he did say something nice but now I can’t even remember what it was.” 

“I can tell you what my answer would be.” He said to me with a longing voice, “That is if you want to hear it.” 

“Of course I do. I was going to make my way over to you eventually you know.”

“There used to be a time when you’d come to me first.” 

I couldn’t help but smile. Did I sense just the slightest tinge of jealousy coming from that statement? Probably not the real kind, you know, like how I felt when his wife came into the picture forever ago. Whatever the case, even if he was pretending, I still enjoyed it. “I decided to save the best for last.” I assured him, patting his back in a mocking way. “So, I’ll let you go before me.” 

He laughed and backhanded my head. Biting his lower lip I could tell he was trying to find just the right words to say. Not that it even mattered because it was just the two of us, but everything concerning Brian and his thoughts has to always come out perfectly. It’s amazing to me how people really didn’t know that about him. He rehearsed pretty much everything that came out of his mouth before he said it, running through things in his brain before allowing his mouth to share it with the rest of us. I used to think he was some kind of lunatic, like my great aunt Rose. She would always sit at the kitchen table and mouth silent words to herself. I mean the lady would have entire conversations and most times they must have been hilarious because she would just sit there and laugh and laugh and laugh. She had a thing about mimicking her favorite lines from shows word for word as if she had written them herself and then out of nowhere she’d just start blurting them out. Ah, good old great aunt Rose. She’s in a nut house now. 

“Hello?” Brian waved his hands in front of my face. “Is anyone in there?” 

“Sorry, I was thinking about how much you remind me of my great aunt Rose.”

“Isn’t that the aunt who went crazy?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Nice…” He shook his head at me, “so, you want to hear my answer or what?” 

“Of course.” I answered, focusing my full attention on him as he spoke. 

“I am amazed at how much everyone has grown, that’s what I’m taking away from this. That if we had tried doing this even one year ago, it would have probably ended badly. One of us would have most likely left angry, one of us would have left drunk, and the rest of us would have had to clean up the mess.” 

“Which one would I have been? The angry one or the drunk one?” I asked in all honesty, knowing full well that I would have been one of those two. 

“I don’t know, why don’t you tell me.” He said, giving me the smallest smile. 

“Probably the angry one.” I said after a few minutes of quiet contemplation, “Yeah, most definitely angry.”

He put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me in tight, “You know what you’d do now?” 

“No,” I sighed. “What would I do now?” 

“You’d clean up everyone’s mess.” 

I pulled away from him slightly and smiled. “Thanks Brian.” 

He stood up to leave. Why did everyone feel like making an exit after saying something honest and profound? “I only speak the truth kiddo.” 

“Where are you going?” I asked him, kind of sad that our moment was ending. 

“I gotta go take a crap in the woods.” I nodded at him. Yup, way to end a moment. 

I decided to once again turn my attention back to the scenery and the view. When I’m old and finally decide to slow myself down, I think I’m going to build a cabin on top of a mountain like this one. I mean, I know I’m more of an ocean boy but this is kind of cool as well. I can see myself living somewhere like this. Maybe I’ll get a goat. That’s what mountain people do, right? They buy goats. 

Now to my question, what was I taking away from this experience, besides my new conquest to buy a goat or two? There were so many great things that happened on this trip. I loved my time alone with Kevin. We haven’t really had much time to just hang out like that in awhile. I was so afraid that it would be awkward but it wasn’t. It showed me that no matter how much time goes by between visits like this one, we’ll always have something to talk about. I guess that’s the mark of a true friend. You can let years go by without saying a word and then suddenly you just pick up where you left off. 

What else? The fishing, that was pretty kick ass too! 

Talking to Brian about things, trying to heal old wounds and seeing where he was coming from. I wonder what took us so long to clear the air. I guess what better place to do it than the woods. I realized on this trip that our friendship would never be what it used to be when we were kids. Those days of me spending 24/7 with him and telling him every little detail of my life are long over. I used to look at that as a bad thing, but I don’t know, somehow this trip made me realize that growing apart isn’t always a horrible thing. When it comes down to it, he’s always going to be there for me just like I’ll always be there for him. Instead of midnight rendezvous to play videogames, it might be a short lunch in-between taking Baylee to karate and recording for our album. We’ll always make time for each other because that’s what friends do. 

I learned that the reason that AJ and I get on each other’s nerves so often is because we are so damn much alike. There have been times in my life when I’ve wanted to flat out strangle him! But he is the one I call when I need advice on things, not because he’s the most knowledgeable but because he’s the most like me. The two of us have always been competitive with one another but that’s also been a great motivator for him and for me. Out of all of us, our friendship is the most complex but yet the easiest to understand. Weird, huh? 

“Hey you.” I was startled out of my thoughts by Kevin who once again came and sat down beside me. 

I looked at him seriously and put my arm on his shoulder, “Thanks for inviting me out here Kevin. I had a great time.” 

“Anytime Nick, you just say the word and we’ll plan another trip. I have all the time in the world now.” 

“And I’m jealous.” I admitted, but not really. If I had all the time in the world, I’d be one restless Nick. 

“We should get going. I talked to Howie and things aren’t looking good. He said his dad can go at anytime. We should be there for him.” He stood up and lent a hand to me as I did the same. 

“Poor Howie.” I said, sadly feeling my friend’s pain from so far away. Another thing I’ll take away from this trip. Even when someone is absent, they are never that far away from your heart. 

So, I guess this whole trip was less about getting away and more about friendship. Our friendship, the kind I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world. 

“I hope going down is easier than coming up was.” AJ’s first of many complaints to come I suppose. 

“It’s always easier walking down a hill than coming up one, I mean didn’t we learn that in Kindergarten, Bone?” I love being a smartass.

“Sure, tell that to Jack and Jill who went friggn’ tumbling down the hill. I have an idea, why don’t you walk in front of me so this way if I fall I’ll land on you!” 

“Yeah right, if you start tumbling I’m moving the hell out of the way!” 

Kevin and Brian were getting a kick out of our fighting. “Okay kids, break it up and let’s get going.” Kevin said as he passed us both to take the lead, always the natural leader that one. 

“Hey Kevin, now that you’re retired, are you thinking of buying a goat?” I asked him. 

“What the hell?”

“Ignore him Kev, we all do. It’s the only way to remain sane.” AJ stated as if Kevin didn’t already know this. Hey wait...did I just diss myself? 

Brian walked passed AJ, who was of course bringing up the rear, and caught up to me. “Hey, you never did tell me what your answer was.” He placed his hand on my shoulder as we continued to make our way down the mountain.

“To what?” 

“What’s one thing great thing you’ve taken away from this trip?” He asked. 

“Oh, it’s more than one thing Brian, it’s a million little things…you want a list?” 

Brian laughed at me and ruffled my hair, “Sure why not? We have a nice long hike ahead of us.” 

“Don’t remind me!!” Was heard coming from behind us as we ventured down the mountain and back to civilization. 


End file.
